Monday, January 3, 2011

Laid (off)

Happy 2011. I am 30 now and just a little bit wiser. 2011 has given me the great gift of being laid off from another lackluster job. I felt my soul being sucked out of me every day at that job. Or less dramatically, it just wasn't for me.

I am extremely happy about being laid off. The question is, am I brave enough to use this as an opportunity to live the life I really want? I friggin hope so.

Right I'm just enjoying the quiet of possibility. Each day brings... whatever I want (within reason). Last night I couldn't sleep, so I got up and watched tv until 3am. It felt so good to do something so rebellious. I am a die hard morning person and try to stick to a strict sleep schedule. It felt like I was in college again on winter break, when anything was possible.

And anything IS possible. I feel so incredibly FREE.  Yes, I feel scared, lost and alone all at the same time, but right now I'm the most free person that I know. I'm gonna ride this ride hard and see where it takes me.

What do you think I should do next???

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

What do you think about when you're alone?

I never blog and I should. It makes me happy. Even reading my old blogs make me happy even though I mostly blog sad things. I noticed that I blog a lot about loneliness. I can't help it. It's always on my mind and I'm usually lonely when I blog.

How much time do you spend alone every day? I think being alone is healthy and necessary but it's possible to have too much solitude. Driving alone sometimes kills me and I do it for at least 2 hours everyday. I think about (you guessed it!) my loneliness and where I'm going in life. If it's a good day I feel positive and picture myself doing exciting things.  I picture myself succeeding at whatever I desire that day. I usually picking myself living in New York City (guessed it again!) where there are more people like me and falling in love with some faceless guy. I picture myself finally feeling like I fit in and wearing adorable and not too trendy clothes.

What do you think about when you're alone? Do you worry about what other people are doing? I try not to do that but it's difficult not too. Especially if you had a romantic relationship with that person. I'm always afraid of running into a number of my exes and I know if I stop thinking about them, then I actually WILL run into them. I swear it's a law of nature or something.

Theme song for these many alone moments:

Moby with Kelli Scar live@013: When it's cold I'd like to die (7/10)

Sunday, January 10, 2010

New year?

This is supposed to be my year without heartbreak.  Now here you are.
You you you.... You crept out the woodworks, surprising the shit out of me, and here I am. This is how it always happens. You always only think of me when I'm not thinking of you. You find me when I'm perfectly content to be alone, wearing pjs and slippers watching tv on a Friday night. You find me when I'm so satisfied with my solitude that I can't imagine ever sharing it with anyone.  I'm not lonely when I'm not missing someone or waiting for their call. I've accepted that I might have to be my own partner in life, which is better than having a bad one. Then here you are.

I've been through this before with others and it always ends the same. But I can't help but to test the waters a little.

I swore I wouldn't see you unless you really tried then all of a sudden you pick this moment to do just that.
I don't want to get sucked into more disappointment. I really don't. I'm perfectly happy when I'm not getting over somebody's absence.   I perfected the art of being contently alone in my apartment and in my life. Shopping, running, thinking alone and not really interacting with anyone throughout the day.

Now suddenly you want to see me. It's gratifying since you harshly blew me off months ago. It feels good that you can't forget me. I withhold myself but I let you desire and crave me. I've already gotten over you so I don't care to give in and give you what you want. I'm making me happy this time.  I lap up the attention but I don't know how this will continue. I try to explain a little of my plight but did I talk too much? Am I too intense for you?

But what do you want, really?   I'm so sick of being a pet and I've been avoiding men for that reason. I really hope you're not only after my body. I've had enough of that.

It's so hard to tell. You don't talk. What are you thinking? Are you gonna disappoint me again? Am I foolish to even see you? Are you seeking me out because you now have the time for me? Or are you just bored? What you want with me? Do you even know? Because I don't. I just don't want to be let down again, so I'm not getting my hopes up. If you don't want me for more than a body than tell me now before I fall into foolishness.  I suppose all I can do is see what happens. I hope you text me first.

Monday, December 14, 2009

Praying Mantis

I hate to even admit it but I love the MTV show The Jersey Shore. It is the guiltiest of guilty pleasures and I'm completely sucked in. Anyway, a quote from one of the girls struck me as interesting. During her bio J-Wow said "I'm like a praying mantis. After I have sex with a guy I want to rip his head off."  This is something that I wish I could achieve. How do you feel detached from someone when I usually feel more attached? I wish I could feel that separation because it would be a lot easier. I know a lot girls who think they can do that but I know better. It is nearly impossible.

I find that most guys only want me sexually and if I could develop this hatred for them afterward it would help immensely. I try to abstain completely and I can do that for so long, but then opportunity comes up. I think why not, I'm attractive, my body is beautiful, as long as we're friends, etc. But I know better. It's still damn hard though.

Guys have a hard time forgetting me but it doesn't mean they have feelings. They just act sweet to get what they want. I'm smart enough to know better but I wish I could play their game. I wish I could take something from them that they would feel bad about.

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Email that I sent to my family last week

I get to help out with my ailing, awful grandparents once a week and here is an email that I sent to my entire family about one particularly harrowing experience:

Hello family,
I had the pleasure of babysitting duty for Captain and Mrs. Annoying and I wanted to tell you all about my wonderful Sunday.

Last night I had my 10 year high school reunion where I was very worried about Grandpop at the open bar. After many vodka tonics I finally relieved most of my worry for the night.
I woke up this morning at my place with my pajamas on backwards and the worst hangover I've had in years.

I spent all morning throwing up and laying on my couch praying for my forehead to stop pounding. At 10:30 am I called Uncle Mike's BFF before she could call me and get mad at me for not answering.

Adria informed me that although she went shopping 2 days ago with Jeanie, she "forgot" a couple of items and needed me to take her to Giant. I think she didn't want to spend over $20 at her last shopping trip so she omitted a few things, assuming I could take her shopping again today. I can barely tolerate shopping with Adria when I'm feeling normal, and knew that this was sure to be my worst nightmare.

My stomach was almost settled at Giant but I did NOT have the patience for Adria's antics today. Her "few" things ended up being about 10 items located all over the store. While she was trying find her hair dye, which was quite time consuming since she can't see anything, I had to walk away to avoid losing my breakfast in the store. She proceeded to approach strangers to ask where things are (most of whom ignored her), crash her cart into the shelves and my legs (because she couldn't see them), and be an all around pain in the ass.

After the shopping nightmare we went to visit Rudy where she continued to annoy the shit out of me. All she did was complain about how the nurses don't do anything but sit and watch TV. She calls them "witches" since they only come out at night. She also annoyed the hell of Rudy by going through his closet and bugging him about where his socks went. She is afraid to be alone with Rudy so she followed me to the bathroom (even though she had just gone) and then complained about how far we had to walk to it.

I have never been more relieved to drop that woman off at home.
Dad, now I truly understand why you drink.

Love, Laura

Monday, December 7, 2009

Bloggy Blog I'm 29

So I've been encouraged to blog more because my life is "interesting" and why not. I have a voice and I should use it. I will be writing on here more often to get my thoughts out.
Anyway, last week I turned 29,which isn't old in my book. I don't feel old, but there are some changes that I've noticed in myself and I thought I'd share them with you:

Signs Laura is getting older
1. Whenever I notice a hot guy my age, I immediately check his left hand for a wedding ring. Wtf?! I never had to do this when I was 23. I guess it's better safe than sorry. And 1 out of 3 guys is wearing one. Damnit. Even though I'm not growing up, the guys of my generation are.

2. I can't sleep past 8 am or stay up past 12 if I'm alone. My stupid job and years of waking up at 6am have made me one of those annoying morning/old people.

3. I now stay away from guys who aren't into me or are bad for me. In my early 20s I used to chase the shit out of so many assholes who could care less if they saw me. I would call them and pretend it was an accident. I would stare at my phone and wait desperately for them to call back. Now if a guy is an asshole to me just once I am done. I'm sad but I'm so over it. And I hate his guts.
What the hell is the point of waiting for someone who doesn't want me? (and here we have grown up Laura speaking). It's a lonely life but it feels lonelier (is that a word?) to be neglected and used.

4. Driving is now scary to me. I don't like driving fast. I don't like driving on the highway. I'm afraid of driving in the rain. I don't like riding with someone who drives fast and I will beg them to slow down. Younger me was no speed demon but I was never afraid to zip back and forth to New York or the shore in a heartbeat.

5. Fast food makes me sick. Now I really sound like my mother. I could eat McNuggets with no problem as a kid but now it all makes me want to puke. This is a good thing but don't tell my mother she was right.

Signs Laura Isn't Getting Old
1. No gray hair
2. No wrinkles
3. I have gained only 10 lbs since high school and I am more fit and active now.
4. People think I'm a college kid
5. I have no desire to get married or have kids. Grown up Laura does her own thing and doesn't worry about what her friends are doing. Just like young Laura.

Ok I'll stop talking about myself in the 3rd person like a douche. It's good to be back.