Friday, April 11, 2008

He's Just Not That Into You

I've read the damn book about three times but sometimes I think it still hasn't sunk in. I still get hung up on the wrong guys that are "just not that into me." But they're usually wrong for me anyway but I still chase them. Why?

Sometimes I think that we're just programmed by our first real "love" or crush and mine was really fucked up and I think it screwed me up for life. I was 15 and stupid Jay Hutchins was my best friend's older brother and was WAYYYY wrong for me but I lived and died for that kid. He was attracted to me but just not that into me. He would reject me but then come back months later just to make out with me. He never wanted to date me but I accepted whatever he was willing to give just to be close to him. That's not good enough and I still do that shit NOW over 12 years later.
Ughhh.

So I'm making a list of qualities of what I want and DESERVE in a mate and I'm gonna return to this whenever I'm feeling sad that some boy is just not that into me. He won't have these qualities anyway.

1. Must be into ME. Really into ONLY me. Not hung up on some ex-girlfriend. Why is every guy I've met in the past few years hung up on someone else? Why aren't I the girl that they're hung up on??? Move on guys! She's just not that into you!
It really sucks to be someone's 2nd, 3rd, or 20th choice. I deserve so much more than that.
If a guy doesn't have this most important quality then I shouldn't waste my time on him. I just end up losing. Although some fuckbags have lied about being into me but that's another story...

2. Must be smart. I'm a nerd. I love to read and I think too much. I prefer my guy to be the same way. Must be able to have an intelligent conversation and love to read. Must know things that I don't.

3. Must not be clingy. I know I'm being picky but I want them to be independent like I am. Must have his own friends, own social life, own interests just like I do. It's important because I need a lot of space. Must be secure in giving it to me.

4.Must be motivated. I want a guy who works hard and plays hard. I want someone who will motivate me to do more and try harder at life.

5. Must be semi-attractive. Most of the guys I've been into weren't exactly hot but cute and their personality won me over. I can't look at you and think "No" although I did with Jeremy initially. Damn alcohol impairing my judgment. You can be a "Maybe" but not a "Definitely Not. I need lots of booze to hook up with you" (aka Jeremy).

6.Must be liberal. I've thought a lot about this. I'm sure I could love someone who is Middle of the Road (and I have) but I'd LOVE a liberal. There's something about sharing the same ideals that is very sexy and comforting to me.

7. Must have an open mind. They don't have to have the same exact taste as me. I've learned that it doesn't necessarily mean that you're compatible if you like the exact same movies, music, food, etc. But he must be open all new things and be able to appreciate a variety.

8.Must be funny. Must get my sense of humor and be able to make me laugh. This is very important.

9.Must be able to have a good time. I prefer that he drink but I won't reject someone if they don't because you never know. I don't want a fall down drunk either. No thanks. I don't want someone I have to take care of. He should be able to handle his liquor and not binge drink. Must be comfortable at parties, bars, etc. and being around new people.

10.Must love dogs
Kidding! Although kindness to animals is a sure sign of their nature. I wouldn't date someone who was cruel to any living thing.

Am I asking too much? Does this guy exist? Will I find him?

Sunday, April 6, 2008

Sad sad Sunday

What is it about Sundays that make me have an emotional breakdown? Is the ending of the weekend that sad? I'm usually reflective on sunday night and my life looks dreary to me and I break down.

I hate fucking money. With a passion. I feel uncomfortable around people that have more then me, especially family. I don't know why. I shouldn't. I'm not a jealous person. Being around people who are more successful just makes me feel like a loser and a failure. I don't want what they have but I feel like a failure for having less then they do.

Money is always my biggest worry. I try to be completely independent. I don't have a rich husband or father to save me. I'm on my own. Granted my Mom is successful and she helps me when I need her but I feel like a loser asking for it. I don't know why.

I've been stupid with money. I went to a 4 year liberal arts college that cost $30,000 a year in tuition and had to take out lots of loans. I didn't major in anything profitable like Economics or Engineering. Fuck no. That's not me. I have to be interested in the least profitable subjects like Sociology and languages. I'm afraid of failing in my field so I've stayed away from it. It's stupid because I'm not happy with the work that I do and it doesn't pay enough. If I loved my work the money wouldn't be as big of an issue. I'd be happier even if I was poor.

Confidence is a big deal. I don't have a enough. I can fake it in social situations and I am confident about certain things. But I'm not confident in my abilities. Employers can sense that and they take advantage. They know I'll work hard and won't complain. I lose promotions because they see I lack the confidence to really believe that I deserve it.

I'm not always confident about my appearance and what I have to offer to a relationship. I'm so fucking scared of being hurt that I just hide. Guys can sense that too and they take advantage of it. They know they can do hurtful things and get away with it. I have to stop.

I can attract guys easily but I'm can't keep them around and interested for long. Or maybe I push them away because I'm so fucking scared and I think I'm not good enough anyway. I'm drawn to guys who don't want me because at least I know they're going to leave eventually.

Why why why? I wish I didn't need pills to be happy and less anxious. I wish I believed in myself. I wish I didn't cry so easily. I wish I didn't let so many guys hurt me and break down my confidence.

All I can do to try to sleep and push forward.

My sad songs I listen to when I'm down:

That song helped me get over C and the abuse I suffered from him.


Anything by Tori helps me get through it.

Thursday, April 3, 2008

Like?

What makes us like one person and not another? How do you stop liking someone when you know your feelings are one-sided? Or you know they are bad for you? I've been asking myself these questions for the past 12 years or so that I've been dating and I still don't have any answers.

Sometimes I think that you tend to like people who remind you of someone else, whether it be your first love, last love, first heartbreak, etc. We search for people with similar mental and physical qualities to important players in our history. We long for the familiar. Do we really just date the same person over and over again?

I have a tendency to project someone else's interest in me into my own. If someone pursues me and makes me feel attractive and wanted then I will begin to feel the same way. It happens whether or not I was even remotely interested at first. Too many people have caught me off guard and chased me until I wanted them back.

Jon from NH is a classic example. I didn't like him or find him attractive at first but he wanted me badly and persisted. Distance or time didn't matter to him. He was simply excited to talk to me and eventually see me. After a few months of his persistence it finally sunk in and I reciprocated his feelings. And I ended up losing anyway.

When they're finished and not interested anymore I'm left feeling really stupid. "It was your fault damnit!" I think. "I didn't even want to be in this place! You made it seem safe!"

Then there was Jon at work (I have to stay AWAY from that name) who had a girlfriend. He also chased and flirted with me. I wasn't even remotely attracted at first but he won me over with flattery and eventually sunk in my head. In the end I ended up looking stupid again.

I need to have more control and not just give into someone's persistence.

Ideally I think that two people should meet in the middle. One shouldn't chase the other. They should be mutually interested. That is how it should begin but I have no idea where it goes from there. I've probably only met one person in the middle in my life. Everything else was a struggle for control in either direction.

You would think that I would know better and learn to protect myself by now. I could lament on this forever but now it's sleepytime.