I don't know why but today I'm back in The Belljar. I'm just fed up with my life and unhappy with where its going. Plus my hormones are raging so thats always fun. I could not stop crying on the phone with my mom today. I don't have one specific thing that I'm upset about. Its just everything all mixed together. My shitty job, my debt, boredom, all the lies that I've been told, etc are all piled up in my mind and today I just couldn't take it anymore.
I hope your day was better. I know what I have to do. Its just hard. Sometimes I'm overwhelmed and want to give up. That's all.
No me quiere llorando.
I need to see Mulholland Drive again. I love me some David Lynch.
Sunday, February 17, 2008
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
Love
Kanye, I love you:
How heartbreaking and beautiful is that. I've always loved the song "Hey Mama" but it has a whole new meaning now. He is so strong to sing that even though his voice breaks a bit.
I hope that someday someone will love me enough to write a song like that.
Somebody probably already does.
Although I feel lonely sometimes I know that I have a lot of love in my life. I am always grateful for that.
How heartbreaking and beautiful is that. I've always loved the song "Hey Mama" but it has a whole new meaning now. He is so strong to sing that even though his voice breaks a bit.
I hope that someday someone will love me enough to write a song like that.
Somebody probably already does.
Although I feel lonely sometimes I know that I have a lot of love in my life. I am always grateful for that.
Saturday, February 9, 2008
To You
To C: Wow. I don't know why but I'm shocked to hear about your engagement. It's bringing a lot of ghosts from our past to my mind. Yes, we have a past. We had a sordid affair that lasted for 3 years on and off. Now you are making a lifetime commitment to someone that you dated for less then 2 years. I shouldn't care. And on the surface I don't. But now that you have crept back into my thoughts and I don't like it.
You were my lover for a long time. Our affair was tumultuous, wrong, and unfulfilling most of the time. You tested my threshold for pain both emotionally and physically. You did some of the most disgusting things to me and yet I still had affection for you. I believe, in a way, that I loved you and my love was blind. I couldn't control it, although my rational mind told me to run, run away. This man can't gave me what I need. Yet you kept coming back to me. You were relentless. You had a craving for my passion and the chemistry that we shared. I had never experienced anything like it. I began to crave your abuse. Sometimes I still long for it like an addict. I have a hard time accepting gentle kindness. It's unfamiliar and I don't trust it. It has been taken away from me too many times.
You ignored me many times, for months, so I began to ignore you. During the last night we spent together you didn't lay a finger on me. We both had drank too much and then you woke up and left me. I decided that wasn't enough. I needed a man who couldn't keep his hands or his attention off of me, no matter what. Who didn't take me for granted and assume that I'd be back. I was disgusted with you. At that moment I had finally had enough.
You begged me many times to return and I dismissed you. Then you began to drop the "L" word. Telling me you loved me and could finally appreciate me. That you wanted to marry me. I still don't know if you were serious or if it was just another sick lie for my body. The sickest and cruelest game you can play is to lie to a woman about loving her. I'll guess never really know why you said it. I was finally done.
I've never felt better than after I told you to piss off, for good. This time I was sure. I had waited too long for you to come around. It was too little late. I told you I didn't want you anymore and to leave me alone. I was finally free.
Then you found someone else about a month later. I was still single and searching. I didn't care. It was bittersweet. It still is. I'll never know if you were really ready to love me. I'll have to assume that you weren't. If you really were you would have never let me go. I tell myself that when I'm feeling lost and lonely.
Now I'm haunted by you and memories of passion we that shared. It's all back in my thoughts. I wish it would go away. I've never regretted telling you to leave me alone. It was exactly what I needed at the time. I've finally healed from the all pain you caused me. Or have I?
A small part of me will always love you and wonder if you're happy. Wonder if things would have been different in another lifetime with different timing. Wonder if I'll ever see you again. All I can do is try to love myself and move on. I thought I had. Apparently we never do. At least not completely.
You were my lover for a long time. Our affair was tumultuous, wrong, and unfulfilling most of the time. You tested my threshold for pain both emotionally and physically. You did some of the most disgusting things to me and yet I still had affection for you. I believe, in a way, that I loved you and my love was blind. I couldn't control it, although my rational mind told me to run, run away. This man can't gave me what I need. Yet you kept coming back to me. You were relentless. You had a craving for my passion and the chemistry that we shared. I had never experienced anything like it. I began to crave your abuse. Sometimes I still long for it like an addict. I have a hard time accepting gentle kindness. It's unfamiliar and I don't trust it. It has been taken away from me too many times.
You ignored me many times, for months, so I began to ignore you. During the last night we spent together you didn't lay a finger on me. We both had drank too much and then you woke up and left me. I decided that wasn't enough. I needed a man who couldn't keep his hands or his attention off of me, no matter what. Who didn't take me for granted and assume that I'd be back. I was disgusted with you. At that moment I had finally had enough.
You begged me many times to return and I dismissed you. Then you began to drop the "L" word. Telling me you loved me and could finally appreciate me. That you wanted to marry me. I still don't know if you were serious or if it was just another sick lie for my body. The sickest and cruelest game you can play is to lie to a woman about loving her. I'll guess never really know why you said it. I was finally done.
I've never felt better than after I told you to piss off, for good. This time I was sure. I had waited too long for you to come around. It was too little late. I told you I didn't want you anymore and to leave me alone. I was finally free.
Then you found someone else about a month later. I was still single and searching. I didn't care. It was bittersweet. It still is. I'll never know if you were really ready to love me. I'll have to assume that you weren't. If you really were you would have never let me go. I tell myself that when I'm feeling lost and lonely.
Now I'm haunted by you and memories of passion we that shared. It's all back in my thoughts. I wish it would go away. I've never regretted telling you to leave me alone. It was exactly what I needed at the time. I've finally healed from the all pain you caused me. Or have I?
A small part of me will always love you and wonder if you're happy. Wonder if things would have been different in another lifetime with different timing. Wonder if I'll ever see you again. All I can do is try to love myself and move on. I thought I had. Apparently we never do. At least not completely.
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