Praying Mantis

I hate to even admit it but I love the MTV show The Jersey Shore. It is the guiltiest of guilty pleasures and I'm completely sucked in. Anyway, a quote from one of the girls struck me as interesting. During her bio J-Wow said "I'm like a praying mantis. After I have sex with a guy I want to rip his head off."  This is something that I wish I could achieve. How do you feel detached from someone when I usually feel more attached? I wish I could feel that separation because it would be a lot easier. I know a lot girls who think they can do that but I know better. It is nearly impossible.

I find that most guys only want me sexually and if I could develop this hatred for them afterward it would help immensely. I try to abstain completely and I can do that for so long, but then opportunity comes up. I think why not, I'm attractive, my body is beautiful, as long as we're friends, etc. But I know better. It's still damn hard though.

Guys have a hard time forgetting me but it doesn't mean they have feelings. They just act sweet to get what they want. I'm smart enough to know better but I wish I could play their game. I wish I could take something from them that they would feel bad about.

Email that I sent to my family last week

I get to help out with my ailing, awful grandparents once a week and here is an email that I sent to my entire family about one particularly harrowing experience:


Hello family,
I had the pleasure of babysitting duty for Captain and Mrs. Annoying and I wanted to tell you all about my wonderful Sunday.

Last night I had my 10 year high school reunion where I was very worried about Grandpop at the open bar. After many vodka tonics I finally relieved most of my worry for the night.
I woke up this morning at my place with my pajamas on backwards and the worst hangover I've had in years.

I spent all morning throwing up and laying on my couch praying for my forehead to stop pounding. At 10:30 am I called Uncle Mike's BFF before she could call me and get mad at me for not answering.

Adria informed me that although she went shopping 2 days ago with Jeanie, she "forgot" a couple of items and needed me to take her to Giant. I think she didn't want to spend over $20 at her last shopping trip so she omitted a few things, assuming I could take her shopping again today. I can barely tolerate shopping with Adria when I'm feeling normal, and knew that this was sure to be my worst nightmare.

My stomach was almost settled at Giant but I did NOT have the patience for Adria's antics today. Her "few" things ended up being about 10 items located all over the store. While she was trying find her hair dye, which was quite time consuming since she can't see anything, I had to walk away to avoid losing my breakfast in the store. She proceeded to approach strangers to ask where things are (most of whom ignored her), crash her cart into the shelves and my legs (because she couldn't see them), and be an all around pain in the ass.

After the shopping nightmare we went to visit Rudy where she continued to annoy the shit out of me. All she did was complain about how the nurses don't do anything but sit and watch TV. She calls them "witches" since they only come out at night. She also annoyed the hell of Rudy by going through his closet and bugging him about where his socks went. She is afraid to be alone with Rudy so she followed me to the bathroom (even though she had just gone) and then complained about how far we had to walk to it.

I have never been more relieved to drop that woman off at home.
Dad, now I truly understand why you drink.

Love, Laura

Bloggy Blog I'm 29

So I've been encouraged to blog more because my life is "interesting" and why not. I have a voice and I should use it. I will be writing on here more often to get my thoughts out.

Anyway, last week I turned 29,which isn't old in my book. I don't feel old, but there are some changes that I've noticed in myself and I thought I'd share them with you:

Signs Laura is getting older

1. Whenever I notice a hot guy my age, I immediately check his left hand for a wedding ring. Wtf?! I never had to do this when I was 23. I guess it's better safe than sorry. And 1 out of 3 guys is wearing one. Damnit. Even though I'm not growing up, the guys of my generation are.

2. I can't sleep past 8 am or stay up past 12 if I'm alone. My stupid job and years of waking up at 6am have made me one of those annoying morning/old people.

3. I now stay away from guys who aren't into me or are bad for me. In my early 20s I used to chase the shit out of so many assholes who could care less if they saw me. I would call them and pretend it was an accident. I would stare at my phone and wait desperately for them to call back. Now if a guy is an asshole to me just once I am done. I'm sad but I'm so over it. And I hate his guts.

What the hell is the point of waiting for someone who doesn't want me? (and here we have grown up Laura speaking). It's a lonely life but it feels lonelier (is that a word?) to be neglected and used.

4. Driving is now scary to me. I don't like driving fast. I don't like driving on the highway. I'm afraid of driving in the rain. I don't like riding with someone who drives fast and I will beg them to slow down. Younger me was no speed demon but I was never afraid to zip back and forth to New York or the shore in a heartbeat.

5. Fast food makes me sick. Now I really sound like my mother. I could eat McNuggets with no problem as a kid but now it all makes me want to puke. This is a good thing but don't tell my mother she was right.

Signs Laura Isn't Getting Old

1. No gray hair

2. No wrinkles

3. I have gained only 10 lbs since high school and I am more fit and active now.

4. People think I'm a college kid

5. I have no desire to get married or have kids. Grown up Laura does her own thing and doesn't worry about what her friends are doing. Just like young Laura.

Ok I'll stop talking about myself in the 3rd person like a douche. It's good to be back.