Living alone

Hi Martha!
Hi Mom! I'm not sure if you want to read all my old posts. I'm post one that's more PG and not oversharing. Hehe.

So I've been living alone for one year. A lot has happened since then. I still feel lonely sometimes but overall I'm happy with my living arrangement. Living alone is tough. You really have to be independent. I fit the bill. I'm happy when I have company and I go out often and keep busy. I like being able to have all the secrets that I want. No one sees me from day to day so no one knows what I really do.

The gods have worked in my favor and given me the gift of a great job. I wasn't even actively looking. I just posted my resume on Monster several months ago and I thought it disappeared into cyberspace. Apparently not. Wells Fargo needed me badly to be their "Mortgage Specialist" and I'd be stupid not to take advantage. I never have luck like this. They were offering me amazing money. Money that will help me pay down my debts and give me the financial freedom to do what I want.

Whatever that is.

The job is high stress and high stakes. It's kind of exciting. I'm doing well so far (at least I hope) although today I was pulling my hair out over a messed up loan trying to close tomorrow. But it wasn't my fault and I don't think anyone blames me. I know this job isn't my dream, but it's my dream for right now. This job could save me.

Sensuality

I have rediscovered my sensuality and it is amazing. I have found myself a boy toy. Or rather he found me on Christmas Eve Eve. What a lovely present to find during an especially lonely time of the year.
He swept me away with his accent and flirtation. He extremely affectionate. He is intelligent and funny in my goofy way. He open-minded and adventurous.
He touches and kisses as hard as I do, yet not too hard. He always seems genuinely happy to see me. He is beautiful, passionate and exotic. Everything that my last wasn't.
I know that few things last and I won't be too surprised if and when this one fades.
I take him for what he is and not what I wish that he would be. No one can save me from my loneliness but me.

I'm not letting myself get swept away before knowing who he really is this time. I'm keeping my head and yet enjoying every drop of passion and feeling. He heals me the way that I need, and he's finally erased all of the other fingerprints.

This time I won't let anyone cloud my goals or my boundaries. I just enjoy his company.

However, there are red flags. He fails to meet #1 on my mate criteria- must be into only me. There is a potent ex factor. He says that they tried all they could but he is obviously not over it. I wish he was. I'm so tired of men who pine for anyone but me. If you can't be with the one you love, love the one you're with, damnit.

It's hard to say what his priorities are. I have a feeling that I'm not the only fish his pond. For once that doesn't hurt. I must have spent all of my hurt on the last one. No one is getting that close to my heart this time.

I will truly be fine either way. However, it is nice to have someone to kiss and spend time with :0
We shall see what hapens.

Twilight

I am finally reading the book Twilight and I LOVE it. I knew I would. It's not too deep but it's a great romance to get my heart racing. My post-adolescent loins are awakened. Sooo good. I LOVE vampires. I want myself a passionate dead man. A man that's been alive for 100 years and has no doubt about me. I loves me some True Blood too. I want Will. I would give him my blood.

I had an drunken awakening conversation with an old friend the other night. You know who you are. I know you read this :) He told me that I am the prototype for his ideal girlfriend. I have been since high school. He still adores me after all of these years. And we rarely talk. I am just that girl for someone. Not because I broke his heart and got away, but because I was so fucking cool. He wanted to make out with me even after I threw up in my crush's car. He's been here for me throughout all of my messes over the years. And he appreciates me. He made me promise to never settle for less then my standard. I deserve a guy who wants me as passionately and fully as he did. It was another revelation. I guess I never knew the intensity of his feelings. But I am awesome and adored. By many.

And I will take it. I will drink it all up. I'm not giving my love so freely anymore, but I will receive theirs. I will appreciate it. It will soothe me and heal me. I am adored. And he is not the only one. I am wanted.

I had another dream where I was begging my ex again. I don't get it. I don't think about that when I'm awake. I still feel like he ended things prematurely but I gave up a long time ago. I shouldn't have to beg anyone. He should be begging me. I guess this is a sign that I need to contact him. Speak more about the damage and let myself be heard. There's more to be said before I can completely move on. Goddamn dreams haunting me. I wake up so confused and said. This has to stop.

I can't wait!

What to do

I currently have a 4 day workweek. Don't be jealous. I work 4 long ass, gut-busting days. Then I have Thursday, Friday and Saturday off. Sunday is my hell day where I work 10 hours with no lunch break. I guess it's all worth it because I have more free time.

But what do I do with this free time? It's very strange waking up at 8 a.m. on Friday with absolutely nothing to do. Today I read some blogs and I just went for a run. I have about 5-6 hours to kill at least before any of my friends are home and we can hang out.

My new schedule can sometimes make me feel incredibly lonely. It's not easy to be by yourself in an empty apartment all day. My thoughts take me over. All of the people that I do things with are at work. I'm trying not to watch tv all day but that's what I inevitably end up doing.

Yesterday I had an epiphany that I actually have known all along. I dreamed about Africa (again). I also dreamed I was kissing my ex-boyfriend which is really annoying. Those kind of dreams need to stop. Anyway when I woke up I realized that it's time for another adventure like Africa. I can't do anything that extreme, but it was another sign that I need to get the hell out of here.

Watching so many of my friends get married has made me re-evaluate my life. I don't want to settle down now. There's a reason that I'm usually drawn to men who are not completely available. I know they won't try to hold me back and make me want to stay here. There's a reason that I'm usually single. I love the fact that I can sail away anytime I want.

I've been too afraid of taking advantage of that freedom for too long. Fuck it.

It is also I sign that when I did think of settling down, and when a local boy that was completely available wanted me, he rejected me soon after I was really getting used to him. It felt like a stingray had pierced through my heart. I gave in and let myself be vulnerable and it backfired. But it was another kick in my ass that I should be free.

I'm not meant to settle down in my hometown just yet. I'm getting off my lazy ass and using my 3 days to explore my options. I've been in love with New York City since I was 13 and all of my roads lead me there. The type of jobs that I want are numerous in New York City and there's few of them here.

I won't rule out any options but I have a feeling that I'll end up there. I also have a dream to going to Georgia and working in my uncle's bar for a few months. It would be my ultimate quarter life crisis that I need to do before I turn 30. I don't know. This is scary shit. But I have a feeling that it will make me happy.

I haven't been happy for a while. I was shortly happy when I was in relationship because I thought I had found what I've been looking for. I thought I was meant to stay here. It was wonderful for a while and then it got ripped away from me. I think fate is trying to tell me something. These local boys aren't for me. Time to get out.

Fooled

Getting over a break up is kinda like grieving. You have, essentially, lost someone close to you forever. You have to let go. You may see that person again, or you may not, but you will never see them in the context that you really know them. The closeness and the intimacy are gone. You feel awkward being within a few feet of each other when your bodies were once naked, glued together. You don't mention all the things that you shared together. You pretend they never happened.

They have become a stranger again. The person that you cared about is gone forever.

All you have left are memories. Sometimes you learn afterward that the memories weren't even real. The person fooled you into thinking they were someone else. They didn't mean all of the things that they said and did. Or maybe you misinterpreted everything. Maybe it all meant more to you then it ever did to them. And you had no idea. You wait for the memories to fade because they mostly cause pain.

I'm tired of mending my broken heart. I grow stronger and stronger every time but enough is enough. I want to be loved.

Rejection can affect me more then most people. I don't know why, but no matter how many people love me and how many guys are interested, only the guy that doesn't haunts me. It breaks down my self-confidence. I can't let this happen again.

I have the ability to be deliriously happy about nothing when the pain is gone. When I finally feel better, I feel unstoppable. I am independent and free again. I am loved. I am desired. I have the world at my fingertips. I wish I that I didn't have to get so down to feel so up again.

That's just how my life is. I guess I'd rather feel all the pain and happiness instead of feeling nothing. I just have a tendency toward the extremes.
I get better everyday. I can't wait until it's completely gone.

Lonely

Here I am again. Missing someone and something that never existed. Apparently I didn't pay all of my karmic debts.
Who the fuck was he anyway? Not the sweet, nice guy that I thought. He was just another coward that I meant nothing to. I hate being fucking shocked like this. I could've seen it coming.
Yes, he was acting a little distant but I thought that physical distance was the reason and I thought that we would mend it when we finally had time. I was so wrong again.
Now what? There's something about having your own place that became "our place." A place to get to know each other, eat, sleep together, and have fun. Now it feels so empty and lonely. Every space has him all over it. From my bed, my couch, to my shower. I can't stand it. I wish I could erase the memories. All the times I felt happy and almost complete with someone in my own private space are gone.
I can't let him take this from me. Before we started I felt independent and free. I can't let this break me. No one should have that much power.

Now I must make additions to my original mate criteria:

1 Must be able to communicate. Must be able to tell me how he's feeling and what he's thinking. I can't read fucking minds.

2. Must be passionate. Must feel intense things and be able to express them. Must not be able to walk away easily. Must not forget quickly.

3. Must be funny. My kind of funny.

4. Must be mature. Must make mature decisions and not hurt feelings carelessly. Must be thoughtful and considerate.

5. Must not be a FLAKEY FUCKING ASSHOLE!!!!!!!


That's all for now.

Happiness

I am very happy. I have everything that I wanted and recently realized that deserve. I think I found exactly what I was talking about in my last blog. I haven't felt this way in a long time.

It's in my nature to keep looking behind me. A few months ago I got rear-ended by a mack trunk while I was changing lanes in bumper to bumper traffic on the Blue Route. It was nothing major. It was more like I was tapped in the corner on my bumper and it chipped the paint and made a tiny dent. It wasn't even worth making an insurance claim and paying a deductible.

Nevertheless, I was very shaken. There's nothing like feeling your car being bumped and looking in your rear view mirror and seeing an enormous truck thisclose to you. Then the hick that hit me got out of his truck and yelled at me and said that it was my fault and called me a dumbass. I was completely freaked out by the experience. I still avoid the Blue Route when I know that there's traffic. I'd rather take the backroads even if it will take a little longer.

Now I find myself constantly looking in my rearview mirror and getting scared when someone behind me is driving too close for my comfort. I never did that before the accident.

I know that while driving (and in life) if you focus on what's behind you will miss what's ahead. You can't control what you've passed but you can, however, control the distance and security of what's ahead.

I also know that I need to stop looking back in life as well or I'll never move forward. I think that I've finally paid my karmic debt but sometimes I'm afraid that there's unknown fees or interest that I've collected and must promptly pay.

I'm still an optimist after many years of disappointments. I try not to wait for the other shoe to drop even though it has every time before. Occasionally, I feel scared. I have more at stake this time. I have so much to lose.

The last time I gave my heart like this was several years ago and it almost broke me. I don't, however, regret it because it was one of the greatest learning experiences of my life.

This one feels different and incredibly right. I just hope that I'm going to win this time.

Advice of the day: Don't let the past fuck with your head.