I don't know why but today I'm back in The Belljar. I'm just fed up with my life and unhappy with where its going. Plus my hormones are raging so thats always fun. I could not stop crying on the phone with my mom today. I don't have one specific thing that I'm upset about. Its just everything all mixed together. My shitty job, my debt, boredom, all the lies that I've been told, etc are all piled up in my mind and today I just couldn't take it anymore.
I hope your day was better. I know what I have to do. Its just hard. Sometimes I'm overwhelmed and want to give up. That's all.
No me quiere llorando.
I need to see Mulholland Drive again. I love me some David Lynch.
Sunday, February 17, 2008
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
Love
Kanye, I love you:
How heartbreaking and beautiful is that. I've always loved the song "Hey Mama" but it has a whole new meaning now. He is so strong to sing that even though his voice breaks a bit.
I hope that someday someone will love me enough to write a song like that.
Somebody probably already does.
Although I feel lonely sometimes I know that I have a lot of love in my life. I am always grateful for that.
How heartbreaking and beautiful is that. I've always loved the song "Hey Mama" but it has a whole new meaning now. He is so strong to sing that even though his voice breaks a bit.
I hope that someday someone will love me enough to write a song like that.
Somebody probably already does.
Although I feel lonely sometimes I know that I have a lot of love in my life. I am always grateful for that.
Saturday, February 9, 2008
To You
To C: Wow. I don't know why but I'm shocked to hear about your engagement. It's bringing a lot of ghosts from our past to my mind. Yes, we have a past. We had a sordid affair that lasted for 3 years on and off. Now you are making a lifetime commitment to someone that you dated for less then 2 years. I shouldn't care. And on the surface I don't. But now that you have crept back into my thoughts and I don't like it.
You were my lover for a long time. Our affair was tumultuous, wrong, and unfulfilling most of the time. You tested my threshold for pain both emotionally and physically. You did some of the most disgusting things to me and yet I still had affection for you. I believe, in a way, that I loved you and my love was blind. I couldn't control it, although my rational mind told me to run, run away. This man can't gave me what I need. Yet you kept coming back to me. You were relentless. You had a craving for my passion and the chemistry that we shared. I had never experienced anything like it. I began to crave your abuse. Sometimes I still long for it like an addict. I have a hard time accepting gentle kindness. It's unfamiliar and I don't trust it. It has been taken away from me too many times.
You ignored me many times, for months, so I began to ignore you. During the last night we spent together you didn't lay a finger on me. We both had drank too much and then you woke up and left me. I decided that wasn't enough. I needed a man who couldn't keep his hands or his attention off of me, no matter what. Who didn't take me for granted and assume that I'd be back. I was disgusted with you. At that moment I had finally had enough.
You begged me many times to return and I dismissed you. Then you began to drop the "L" word. Telling me you loved me and could finally appreciate me. That you wanted to marry me. I still don't know if you were serious or if it was just another sick lie for my body. The sickest and cruelest game you can play is to lie to a woman about loving her. I'll guess never really know why you said it. I was finally done.
I've never felt better than after I told you to piss off, for good. This time I was sure. I had waited too long for you to come around. It was too little late. I told you I didn't want you anymore and to leave me alone. I was finally free.
Then you found someone else about a month later. I was still single and searching. I didn't care. It was bittersweet. It still is. I'll never know if you were really ready to love me. I'll have to assume that you weren't. If you really were you would have never let me go. I tell myself that when I'm feeling lost and lonely.
Now I'm haunted by you and memories of passion we that shared. It's all back in my thoughts. I wish it would go away. I've never regretted telling you to leave me alone. It was exactly what I needed at the time. I've finally healed from the all pain you caused me. Or have I?
A small part of me will always love you and wonder if you're happy. Wonder if things would have been different in another lifetime with different timing. Wonder if I'll ever see you again. All I can do is try to love myself and move on. I thought I had. Apparently we never do. At least not completely.
You were my lover for a long time. Our affair was tumultuous, wrong, and unfulfilling most of the time. You tested my threshold for pain both emotionally and physically. You did some of the most disgusting things to me and yet I still had affection for you. I believe, in a way, that I loved you and my love was blind. I couldn't control it, although my rational mind told me to run, run away. This man can't gave me what I need. Yet you kept coming back to me. You were relentless. You had a craving for my passion and the chemistry that we shared. I had never experienced anything like it. I began to crave your abuse. Sometimes I still long for it like an addict. I have a hard time accepting gentle kindness. It's unfamiliar and I don't trust it. It has been taken away from me too many times.
You ignored me many times, for months, so I began to ignore you. During the last night we spent together you didn't lay a finger on me. We both had drank too much and then you woke up and left me. I decided that wasn't enough. I needed a man who couldn't keep his hands or his attention off of me, no matter what. Who didn't take me for granted and assume that I'd be back. I was disgusted with you. At that moment I had finally had enough.
You begged me many times to return and I dismissed you. Then you began to drop the "L" word. Telling me you loved me and could finally appreciate me. That you wanted to marry me. I still don't know if you were serious or if it was just another sick lie for my body. The sickest and cruelest game you can play is to lie to a woman about loving her. I'll guess never really know why you said it. I was finally done.
I've never felt better than after I told you to piss off, for good. This time I was sure. I had waited too long for you to come around. It was too little late. I told you I didn't want you anymore and to leave me alone. I was finally free.
Then you found someone else about a month later. I was still single and searching. I didn't care. It was bittersweet. It still is. I'll never know if you were really ready to love me. I'll have to assume that you weren't. If you really were you would have never let me go. I tell myself that when I'm feeling lost and lonely.
Now I'm haunted by you and memories of passion we that shared. It's all back in my thoughts. I wish it would go away. I've never regretted telling you to leave me alone. It was exactly what I needed at the time. I've finally healed from the all pain you caused me. Or have I?
A small part of me will always love you and wonder if you're happy. Wonder if things would have been different in another lifetime with different timing. Wonder if I'll ever see you again. All I can do is try to love myself and move on. I thought I had. Apparently we never do. At least not completely.
Thursday, January 31, 2008
I loved
Daniel Day-Lewis' acceptance speech at the SAG awards. He is so articulate and talented. Everyone must go see There Will Be Blood. It's an amazing movie.
He is broken over the death of Heath Ledger just like everyone else. OMG. So sad. I tear up whenever I hear "Wings" the theme song of Brokeback Mountain. So many of Heath's scenes from that movie really moved me including the one Daniel mentions in his speech. I've never seen anyone portray loneliness and desperation in a more realistic way then Heath did in Brokeback Mountain. I'm sure he experienced it in his life too. Oh the heartbreak. That movie is my equivalent of "The Notebook".
On a happier note I now have a profile up on match.com and I'm getting lots of hits. What can I say I'm so hot lol. Anyway yeah I am finding lots of interesting guys that I have stuff in common with. It's so hard trying to find that on your own. Match.com does a great job and matching up your compatibility and interests with people. Of course there are some weirdos on there too. I have a catchy headline "Meet Me Montauk" to see who's cool and knows where its from. Pretentious much? Yeah I know so kill me. Here's some responses I got:
"Hey I know where your headline is from! What do I win?"
"Is your headline the name of a band?"
"I drive a lot and I will drive you and I to Montauk."
Ok WEIRDOS. They crack me up though. I also don't get why anyone older then late 30s writes to me. HELLO! No thanks Dad. Some girls like COBs aka crusty old balls dudes but I def don't. It's fun though. I'm macking to so many guys I can't keep their names straight and I don't care what happens. I just wanna meet lots of people and figure out what I really want in a mate since I still have no clue.
Ok shower time bye for now.
He is broken over the death of Heath Ledger just like everyone else. OMG. So sad. I tear up whenever I hear "Wings" the theme song of Brokeback Mountain. So many of Heath's scenes from that movie really moved me including the one Daniel mentions in his speech. I've never seen anyone portray loneliness and desperation in a more realistic way then Heath did in Brokeback Mountain. I'm sure he experienced it in his life too. Oh the heartbreak. That movie is my equivalent of "The Notebook".
On a happier note I now have a profile up on match.com and I'm getting lots of hits. What can I say I'm so hot lol. Anyway yeah I am finding lots of interesting guys that I have stuff in common with. It's so hard trying to find that on your own. Match.com does a great job and matching up your compatibility and interests with people. Of course there are some weirdos on there too. I have a catchy headline "Meet Me Montauk" to see who's cool and knows where its from. Pretentious much? Yeah I know so kill me. Here's some responses I got:
"Hey I know where your headline is from! What do I win?"
"Is your headline the name of a band?"
"I drive a lot and I will drive you and I to Montauk."
Ok WEIRDOS. They crack me up though. I also don't get why anyone older then late 30s writes to me. HELLO! No thanks Dad. Some girls like COBs aka crusty old balls dudes but I def don't. It's fun though. I'm macking to so many guys I can't keep their names straight and I don't care what happens. I just wanna meet lots of people and figure out what I really want in a mate since I still have no clue.
Ok shower time bye for now.
Sunday, January 20, 2008
Honest to blog
So we're getting closer to wedding season. Yayyy woohooo. Don't get me wrong I'm very excited and I feel very fortunate that I'm invited to 6 weddings this year. It's gonna be a rockin good time and I'm gonna drink lots of champagne and dance lots of macarenas. But going to this many weddings just make sme feel like the last single girl on earth sometimes. It's difficult when everyone else is settling down and I feel like I'm just getting started. I don't know if I'll ever settle down. I'm gonna need a lot more life experience before I feel ready to do that. I wish I had at least one completely single girlfriend to go out and cruise guys with. Now is this my fate? Am I going to be the token single girl forever? All this wedding stuff is making me feel like an old maid and I'm only 27. 27 is very young. We're in the age of Sex and the City where we can be single and fabulous in your 30s and 40s. But everyone's different. We all want different things in life. I never wanted to be married before I was at least 30. That stuff just isn't a priority to me. It makes me feel suffocated. But I've got nothing holding me back and I'm free to do whatever I want.
This makes me want to go out and do something crazy and completely independent again like going to Africa for 4 months. That was the most amazing experience of my life and I could have never done it if I was tied down to someone. I'm the kind of person who needs to run free with no attachments. But I know you can't let other people's choices effect your own. I just need to do my own thing and get what I want out of life. I'm going to be taking 3 classes at DCCC and fixing my education. Then this spring I'm going to be applying to graduate schools for the fall. Its exciting and intimidating at the same time. I need to stop doubting myself and I believe that I CAN do whatever I put my mind to. I'm gonna have to work my ass off and I'll be too busy to feel sorry for my lonely, single self.
Then who knows. I still dream of moving to New York where everyone is single and neurotic like me. I have friends there and I could start over. I feel like I belong there. I have a feeling someday I will live there I just don't know how soon it will be. I just need to focus on my present goals for now: work my ass off at school, find better job, save $, etc. and that will be a long term accomplishment.
Some of my favorite things right now:
I love these girls. I wish I could be Diablo Cody.
Funny as hell:
This makes me want to go out and do something crazy and completely independent again like going to Africa for 4 months. That was the most amazing experience of my life and I could have never done it if I was tied down to someone. I'm the kind of person who needs to run free with no attachments. But I know you can't let other people's choices effect your own. I just need to do my own thing and get what I want out of life. I'm going to be taking 3 classes at DCCC and fixing my education. Then this spring I'm going to be applying to graduate schools for the fall. Its exciting and intimidating at the same time. I need to stop doubting myself and I believe that I CAN do whatever I put my mind to. I'm gonna have to work my ass off and I'll be too busy to feel sorry for my lonely, single self.
Then who knows. I still dream of moving to New York where everyone is single and neurotic like me. I have friends there and I could start over. I feel like I belong there. I have a feeling someday I will live there I just don't know how soon it will be. I just need to focus on my present goals for now: work my ass off at school, find better job, save $, etc. and that will be a long term accomplishment.
Some of my favorite things right now:
I love these girls. I wish I could be Diablo Cody.
Funny as hell:
Monday, January 7, 2008
Who Wants Eggs?
So I've been pretty careless with money this past year. Not to mention I work a crappy job that pays badly. I'm choking trying to pay the minimum payments on all my credit cards. And its my own dumbass fault. It's my responsibility to fix my situation.
And the good jobs that I want at non-profits are scarce. I've sent my info to a few and got no responses. Granted I need to pursue them more aggressively and something might open up. Also everyday my butt is stranded at work with no internet. Nothing. If I could surf the web at work I would've been out of there at least year ago. Grrrrr. Now I have wireless on my laptop but lately places are charging for it. CHARGING! Ughh its soooo annoying. I went to McDonalds last week and paid $2 for a day pass, which isn't bad, but the internet was slow as fuck. Plus someone hacked into my myspace account a few days later and sent out all that porn crap. Coincidence? I think not.
Then the Starbucks in King of Prussia wants you to sign up and pay for a $10 day pass. Um hell no! Considering I would use it for about 40 minutes max. So anyway I have to be super aggressive when I'm actually AT HOME which I am rarely am. I'm usually distracted by something when I'm actually online at home. Damn you myspace. I'm really trying to not waste so much time on there this year.
Which leads me to an endeavor that I'm seriously considering, just to dig myself out of my hole a little while I'm trying to find a better paying job.
And that's becoming an egg donor. Apparently people will pay $5,000 for you eggs. Granted its a difficult and risky procedure. First I have to go through intensive physical and psychological screening. I have to answer a detailed questionnaire about my whole genetic history, including any genetic or terminal illnesses that my extended family has had. Then if a couple chooses me as their donor I would need to take different medications and give myself shots of growth hormones for 3 weeks before retrieval. Retrieving eggs is a surgical procedure that involves anesthesia and my eggs would be removed vaginally while I'm under.
I'm ok with the exams. I go to the gyno regularly so being probed isn't a big deal. Even the shots don't scare since I'm a masochist anyway. I went under for my wisdom teeth and it wasn't bad. I figure anything that pays that much for a 20 minute procedure is going to involve my vagina somehow. At least this isn't degrading and won't end up on the internet. I won't even feel it.
It's not like I need my eggs right now. Or I'm in a relationship with someone who might object to sharing my eggs. I believe strongly in organ donation and if I can share my healthy parts with someone when I'm actually alive, then why not? I like the idea of helping an infertile couple reach their dream of having a child.
I loved the movie Juno which deals with adoption. Like OBSESSIVE loved it.
Then there are risks afterward including ovarian cysts and some studies link growth hormones to ovarian cancer. So I don't know. I have the extensive application next to me right now but I still haven't filled it out. I'm feeling chicken. Who knows if a couple will actually pick me. I can also back out at anytime of course but I don't wanna be a flake to an infertile couple.
Why do I get myself into these situations? I don't know what to do. I am tempted though.
Hmmmmmmmm
And the good jobs that I want at non-profits are scarce. I've sent my info to a few and got no responses. Granted I need to pursue them more aggressively and something might open up. Also everyday my butt is stranded at work with no internet. Nothing. If I could surf the web at work I would've been out of there at least year ago. Grrrrr. Now I have wireless on my laptop but lately places are charging for it. CHARGING! Ughh its soooo annoying. I went to McDonalds last week and paid $2 for a day pass, which isn't bad, but the internet was slow as fuck. Plus someone hacked into my myspace account a few days later and sent out all that porn crap. Coincidence? I think not.
Then the Starbucks in King of Prussia wants you to sign up and pay for a $10 day pass. Um hell no! Considering I would use it for about 40 minutes max. So anyway I have to be super aggressive when I'm actually AT HOME which I am rarely am. I'm usually distracted by something when I'm actually online at home. Damn you myspace. I'm really trying to not waste so much time on there this year.
Which leads me to an endeavor that I'm seriously considering, just to dig myself out of my hole a little while I'm trying to find a better paying job.
And that's becoming an egg donor. Apparently people will pay $5,000 for you eggs. Granted its a difficult and risky procedure. First I have to go through intensive physical and psychological screening. I have to answer a detailed questionnaire about my whole genetic history, including any genetic or terminal illnesses that my extended family has had. Then if a couple chooses me as their donor I would need to take different medications and give myself shots of growth hormones for 3 weeks before retrieval. Retrieving eggs is a surgical procedure that involves anesthesia and my eggs would be removed vaginally while I'm under.
I'm ok with the exams. I go to the gyno regularly so being probed isn't a big deal. Even the shots don't scare since I'm a masochist anyway. I went under for my wisdom teeth and it wasn't bad. I figure anything that pays that much for a 20 minute procedure is going to involve my vagina somehow. At least this isn't degrading and won't end up on the internet. I won't even feel it.
It's not like I need my eggs right now. Or I'm in a relationship with someone who might object to sharing my eggs. I believe strongly in organ donation and if I can share my healthy parts with someone when I'm actually alive, then why not? I like the idea of helping an infertile couple reach their dream of having a child.
I loved the movie Juno which deals with adoption. Like OBSESSIVE loved it.
Then there are risks afterward including ovarian cysts and some studies link growth hormones to ovarian cancer. So I don't know. I have the extensive application next to me right now but I still haven't filled it out. I'm feeling chicken. Who knows if a couple will actually pick me. I can also back out at anytime of course but I don't wanna be a flake to an infertile couple.
Why do I get myself into these situations? I don't know what to do. I am tempted though.
Hmmmmmmmm
Friday, January 4, 2008
Here I am
Hey all
I've wanted to have one of these for a while now. It seems like yet another self-centered facet of our generation where I can brood about me me me me and pretend that people are interested...
But whatever it sounds like fun.
I have myspace but I feel like I can be more naked and candid on here. I don't mind random people reading this but there are mad stalkers on myspace so I have to keep it private.
On here I can be anonymous. Now here I am, naked and anonymous. I like this place.
I heard that Diablo Cody, the screenwriter of Juno (my new favorite movie!), got offered to write Juno by someone who read her kick-ass blog The Pussy Ranch: http://diablocody.blogspot.com/
Check it out. I don't aspire to be discovered by that kind of miracle but you never know what could happen when you put your words into cyberspace.
Here's hoping that something cool comes from this!
I look forward to brooding for you all real soon.
I've wanted to have one of these for a while now. It seems like yet another self-centered facet of our generation where I can brood about me me me me and pretend that people are interested...
But whatever it sounds like fun.
I have myspace but I feel like I can be more naked and candid on here. I don't mind random people reading this but there are mad stalkers on myspace so I have to keep it private.
On here I can be anonymous. Now here I am, naked and anonymous. I like this place.
I heard that Diablo Cody, the screenwriter of Juno (my new favorite movie!), got offered to write Juno by someone who read her kick-ass blog The Pussy Ranch: http://diablocody.blogspot.com/
Check it out. I don't aspire to be discovered by that kind of miracle but you never know what could happen when you put your words into cyberspace.
Here's hoping that something cool comes from this!
I look forward to brooding for you all real soon.
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