I currently have a 4 day workweek. Don't be jealous. I work 4 long ass, gut-busting days. Then I have Thursday, Friday and Saturday off. Sunday is my hell day where I work 10 hours with no lunch break. I guess it's all worth it because I have more free time.
But what do I do with this free time? It's very strange waking up at 8 a.m. on Friday with absolutely nothing to do. Today I read some blogs and I just went for a run. I have about 5-6 hours to kill at least before any of my friends are home and we can hang out.
My new schedule can sometimes make me feel incredibly lonely. It's not easy to be by yourself in an empty apartment all day. My thoughts take me over. All of the people that I do things with are at work. I'm trying not to watch tv all day but that's what I inevitably end up doing.
Yesterday I had an epiphany that I actually have known all along. I dreamed about Africa (again). I also dreamed I was kissing my ex-boyfriend which is really annoying. Those kind of dreams need to stop. Anyway when I woke up I realized that it's time for another adventure like Africa. I can't do anything that extreme, but it was another sign that I need to get the hell out of here.
Watching so many of my friends get married has made me re-evaluate my life. I don't want to settle down now. There's a reason that I'm usually drawn to men who are not completely available. I know they won't try to hold me back and make me want to stay here. There's a reason that I'm usually single. I love the fact that I can sail away anytime I want.
I've been too afraid of taking advantage of that freedom for too long. Fuck it.
It is also I sign that when I did think of settling down, and when a local boy that was completely available wanted me, he rejected me soon after I was really getting used to him. It felt like a stingray had pierced through my heart. I gave in and let myself be vulnerable and it backfired. But it was another kick in my ass that I should be free.
I'm not meant to settle down in my hometown just yet. I'm getting off my lazy ass and using my 3 days to explore my options. I've been in love with New York City since I was 13 and all of my roads lead me there. The type of jobs that I want are numerous in New York City and there's few of them here.
I won't rule out any options but I have a feeling that I'll end up there. I also have a dream to going to Georgia and working in my uncle's bar for a few months. It would be my ultimate quarter life crisis that I need to do before I turn 30. I don't know. This is scary shit. But I have a feeling that it will make me happy.
I haven't been happy for a while. I was shortly happy when I was in relationship because I thought I had found what I've been looking for. I thought I was meant to stay here. It was wonderful for a while and then it got ripped away from me. I think fate is trying to tell me something. These local boys aren't for me. Time to get out.
Friday, November 7, 2008
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
Fooled
Getting over a break up is kinda like grieving. You have, essentially, lost someone close to you forever. You have to let go. You may see that person again, or you may not, but you will never see them in the context that you really know them. The closeness and the intimacy are gone. You feel awkward being within a few feet of each other when your bodies were once naked, glued together. You don't mention all the things that you shared together. You pretend they never happened.
They have become a stranger again. The person that you cared about is gone forever.
All you have left are memories. Sometimes you learn afterward that the memories weren't even real. The person fooled you into thinking they were someone else. They didn't mean all of the things that they said and did. Or maybe you misinterpreted everything. Maybe it all meant more to you then it ever did to them. And you had no idea. You wait for the memories to fade because they mostly cause pain.
I'm tired of mending my broken heart. I grow stronger and stronger every time but enough is enough. I want to be loved.
Rejection can affect me more then most people. I don't know why, but no matter how many people love me and how many guys are interested, only the guy that doesn't haunts me. It breaks down my self-confidence. I can't let this happen again.
I have the ability to be deliriously happy about nothing when the pain is gone. When I finally feel better, I feel unstoppable. I am independent and free again. I am loved. I am desired. I have the world at my fingertips. I wish I that I didn't have to get so down to feel so up again.
That's just how my life is. I guess I'd rather feel all the pain and happiness instead of feeling nothing. I just have a tendency toward the extremes.
I get better everyday. I can't wait until it's completely gone.
They have become a stranger again. The person that you cared about is gone forever.
All you have left are memories. Sometimes you learn afterward that the memories weren't even real. The person fooled you into thinking they were someone else. They didn't mean all of the things that they said and did. Or maybe you misinterpreted everything. Maybe it all meant more to you then it ever did to them. And you had no idea. You wait for the memories to fade because they mostly cause pain.
I'm tired of mending my broken heart. I grow stronger and stronger every time but enough is enough. I want to be loved.
Rejection can affect me more then most people. I don't know why, but no matter how many people love me and how many guys are interested, only the guy that doesn't haunts me. It breaks down my self-confidence. I can't let this happen again.
I have the ability to be deliriously happy about nothing when the pain is gone. When I finally feel better, I feel unstoppable. I am independent and free again. I am loved. I am desired. I have the world at my fingertips. I wish I that I didn't have to get so down to feel so up again.
That's just how my life is. I guess I'd rather feel all the pain and happiness instead of feeling nothing. I just have a tendency toward the extremes.
I get better everyday. I can't wait until it's completely gone.
Tuesday, September 9, 2008
Lonely
Here I am again. Missing someone and something that never existed. Apparently I didn't pay all of my karmic debts.
Who the fuck was he anyway? Not the sweet, nice guy that I thought. He was just another coward that I meant nothing to. I hate being fucking shocked like this. I could've seen it coming.
Yes, he was acting a little distant but I thought that physical distance was the reason and I thought that we would mend it when we finally had time. I was so wrong again.
Now what? There's something about having your own place that became "our place." A place to get to know each other, eat, sleep together, and have fun. Now it feels so empty and lonely. Every space has him all over it. From my bed, my couch, to my shower. I can't stand it. I wish I could erase the memories. All the times I felt happy and almost complete with someone in my own private space are gone.
I can't let him take this from me. Before we started I felt independent and free. I can't let this break me. No one should have that much power.
Now I must make additions to my original mate criteria:
1 Must be able to communicate. Must be able to tell me how he's feeling and what he's thinking. I can't read fucking minds.
2. Must be passionate. Must feel intense things and be able to express them. Must not be able to walk away easily. Must not forget quickly.
3. Must be funny. My kind of funny.
4. Must be mature. Must make mature decisions and not hurt feelings carelessly. Must be thoughtful and considerate.
5. Must not be a FLAKEY FUCKING ASSHOLE!!!!!!!
That's all for now.
Who the fuck was he anyway? Not the sweet, nice guy that I thought. He was just another coward that I meant nothing to. I hate being fucking shocked like this. I could've seen it coming.
Yes, he was acting a little distant but I thought that physical distance was the reason and I thought that we would mend it when we finally had time. I was so wrong again.
Now what? There's something about having your own place that became "our place." A place to get to know each other, eat, sleep together, and have fun. Now it feels so empty and lonely. Every space has him all over it. From my bed, my couch, to my shower. I can't stand it. I wish I could erase the memories. All the times I felt happy and almost complete with someone in my own private space are gone.
I can't let him take this from me. Before we started I felt independent and free. I can't let this break me. No one should have that much power.
Now I must make additions to my original mate criteria:
1 Must be able to communicate. Must be able to tell me how he's feeling and what he's thinking. I can't read fucking minds.
2. Must be passionate. Must feel intense things and be able to express them. Must not be able to walk away easily. Must not forget quickly.
3. Must be funny. My kind of funny.
4. Must be mature. Must make mature decisions and not hurt feelings carelessly. Must be thoughtful and considerate.
5. Must not be a FLAKEY FUCKING ASSHOLE!!!!!!!
That's all for now.
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
Happiness
I am very happy. I have everything that I wanted and recently realized that deserve. I think I found exactly what I was talking about in my last blog. I haven't felt this way in a long time.
It's in my nature to keep looking behind me. A few months ago I got rear-ended by a mack trunk while I was changing lanes in bumper to bumper traffic on the Blue Route. It was nothing major. It was more like I was tapped in the corner on my bumper and it chipped the paint and made a tiny dent. It wasn't even worth making an insurance claim and paying a deductible.
Nevertheless, I was very shaken. There's nothing like feeling your car being bumped and looking in your rear view mirror and seeing an enormous truck thisclose to you. Then the hick that hit me got out of his truck and yelled at me and said that it was my fault and called me a dumbass. I was completely freaked out by the experience. I still avoid the Blue Route when I know that there's traffic. I'd rather take the backroads even if it will take a little longer.
Now I find myself constantly looking in my rearview mirror and getting scared when someone behind me is driving too close for my comfort. I never did that before the accident.
I know that while driving (and in life) if you focus on what's behind you will miss what's ahead. You can't control what you've passed but you can, however, control the distance and security of what's ahead.
I also know that I need to stop looking back in life as well or I'll never move forward. I think that I've finally paid my karmic debt but sometimes I'm afraid that there's unknown fees or interest that I've collected and must promptly pay.
I'm still an optimist after many years of disappointments. I try not to wait for the other shoe to drop even though it has every time before. Occasionally, I feel scared. I have more at stake this time. I have so much to lose.
The last time I gave my heart like this was several years ago and it almost broke me. I don't, however, regret it because it was one of the greatest learning experiences of my life.
This one feels different and incredibly right. I just hope that I'm going to win this time.
Advice of the day: Don't let the past fuck with your head.
It's in my nature to keep looking behind me. A few months ago I got rear-ended by a mack trunk while I was changing lanes in bumper to bumper traffic on the Blue Route. It was nothing major. It was more like I was tapped in the corner on my bumper and it chipped the paint and made a tiny dent. It wasn't even worth making an insurance claim and paying a deductible.
Nevertheless, I was very shaken. There's nothing like feeling your car being bumped and looking in your rear view mirror and seeing an enormous truck thisclose to you. Then the hick that hit me got out of his truck and yelled at me and said that it was my fault and called me a dumbass. I was completely freaked out by the experience. I still avoid the Blue Route when I know that there's traffic. I'd rather take the backroads even if it will take a little longer.
Now I find myself constantly looking in my rearview mirror and getting scared when someone behind me is driving too close for my comfort. I never did that before the accident.
I know that while driving (and in life) if you focus on what's behind you will miss what's ahead. You can't control what you've passed but you can, however, control the distance and security of what's ahead.
I also know that I need to stop looking back in life as well or I'll never move forward. I think that I've finally paid my karmic debt but sometimes I'm afraid that there's unknown fees or interest that I've collected and must promptly pay.
I'm still an optimist after many years of disappointments. I try not to wait for the other shoe to drop even though it has every time before. Occasionally, I feel scared. I have more at stake this time. I have so much to lose.
The last time I gave my heart like this was several years ago and it almost broke me. I don't, however, regret it because it was one of the greatest learning experiences of my life.
This one feels different and incredibly right. I just hope that I'm going to win this time.
Advice of the day: Don't let the past fuck with your head.
Friday, April 11, 2008
He's Just Not That Into You
I've read the damn book about three times but sometimes I think it still hasn't sunk in. I still get hung up on the wrong guys that are "just not that into me." But they're usually wrong for me anyway but I still chase them. Why?
Sometimes I think that we're just programmed by our first real "love" or crush and mine was really fucked up and I think it screwed me up for life. I was 15 and stupid Jay Hutchins was my best friend's older brother and was WAYYYY wrong for me but I lived and died for that kid. He was attracted to me but just not that into me. He would reject me but then come back months later just to make out with me. He never wanted to date me but I accepted whatever he was willing to give just to be close to him. That's not good enough and I still do that shit NOW over 12 years later.
Ughhh.
So I'm making a list of qualities of what I want and DESERVE in a mate and I'm gonna return to this whenever I'm feeling sad that some boy is just not that into me. He won't have these qualities anyway.
1. Must be into ME. Really into ONLY me. Not hung up on some ex-girlfriend. Why is every guy I've met in the past few years hung up on someone else? Why aren't I the girl that they're hung up on??? Move on guys! She's just not that into you!
It really sucks to be someone's 2nd, 3rd, or 20th choice. I deserve so much more than that.
If a guy doesn't have this most important quality then I shouldn't waste my time on him. I just end up losing. Although some fuckbags have lied about being into me but that's another story...
2. Must be smart. I'm a nerd. I love to read and I think too much. I prefer my guy to be the same way. Must be able to have an intelligent conversation and love to read. Must know things that I don't.
3. Must not be clingy. I know I'm being picky but I want them to be independent like I am. Must have his own friends, own social life, own interests just like I do. It's important because I need a lot of space. Must be secure in giving it to me.
4.Must be motivated. I want a guy who works hard and plays hard. I want someone who will motivate me to do more and try harder at life.
5. Must be semi-attractive. Most of the guys I've been into weren't exactly hot but cute and their personality won me over. I can't look at you and think "No" although I did with Jeremy initially. Damn alcohol impairing my judgment. You can be a "Maybe" but not a "Definitely Not. I need lots of booze to hook up with you" (aka Jeremy).
6.Must be liberal. I've thought a lot about this. I'm sure I could love someone who is Middle of the Road (and I have) but I'd LOVE a liberal. There's something about sharing the same ideals that is very sexy and comforting to me.
7. Must have an open mind. They don't have to have the same exact taste as me. I've learned that it doesn't necessarily mean that you're compatible if you like the exact same movies, music, food, etc. But he must be open all new things and be able to appreciate a variety.
8.Must be funny. Must get my sense of humor and be able to make me laugh. This is very important.
9.Must be able to have a good time. I prefer that he drink but I won't reject someone if they don't because you never know. I don't want a fall down drunk either. No thanks. I don't want someone I have to take care of. He should be able to handle his liquor and not binge drink. Must be comfortable at parties, bars, etc. and being around new people.
10.Must love dogs
Kidding! Although kindness to animals is a sure sign of their nature. I wouldn't date someone who was cruel to any living thing.
Am I asking too much? Does this guy exist? Will I find him?
Sometimes I think that we're just programmed by our first real "love" or crush and mine was really fucked up and I think it screwed me up for life. I was 15 and stupid Jay Hutchins was my best friend's older brother and was WAYYYY wrong for me but I lived and died for that kid. He was attracted to me but just not that into me. He would reject me but then come back months later just to make out with me. He never wanted to date me but I accepted whatever he was willing to give just to be close to him. That's not good enough and I still do that shit NOW over 12 years later.
Ughhh.
So I'm making a list of qualities of what I want and DESERVE in a mate and I'm gonna return to this whenever I'm feeling sad that some boy is just not that into me. He won't have these qualities anyway.
1. Must be into ME. Really into ONLY me. Not hung up on some ex-girlfriend. Why is every guy I've met in the past few years hung up on someone else? Why aren't I the girl that they're hung up on??? Move on guys! She's just not that into you!
It really sucks to be someone's 2nd, 3rd, or 20th choice. I deserve so much more than that.
If a guy doesn't have this most important quality then I shouldn't waste my time on him. I just end up losing. Although some fuckbags have lied about being into me but that's another story...
2. Must be smart. I'm a nerd. I love to read and I think too much. I prefer my guy to be the same way. Must be able to have an intelligent conversation and love to read. Must know things that I don't.
3. Must not be clingy. I know I'm being picky but I want them to be independent like I am. Must have his own friends, own social life, own interests just like I do. It's important because I need a lot of space. Must be secure in giving it to me.
4.Must be motivated. I want a guy who works hard and plays hard. I want someone who will motivate me to do more and try harder at life.
5. Must be semi-attractive. Most of the guys I've been into weren't exactly hot but cute and their personality won me over. I can't look at you and think "No" although I did with Jeremy initially. Damn alcohol impairing my judgment. You can be a "Maybe" but not a "Definitely Not. I need lots of booze to hook up with you" (aka Jeremy).
6.Must be liberal. I've thought a lot about this. I'm sure I could love someone who is Middle of the Road (and I have) but I'd LOVE a liberal. There's something about sharing the same ideals that is very sexy and comforting to me.
7. Must have an open mind. They don't have to have the same exact taste as me. I've learned that it doesn't necessarily mean that you're compatible if you like the exact same movies, music, food, etc. But he must be open all new things and be able to appreciate a variety.
8.Must be funny. Must get my sense of humor and be able to make me laugh. This is very important.
9.Must be able to have a good time. I prefer that he drink but I won't reject someone if they don't because you never know. I don't want a fall down drunk either. No thanks. I don't want someone I have to take care of. He should be able to handle his liquor and not binge drink. Must be comfortable at parties, bars, etc. and being around new people.
10.Must love dogs
Kidding! Although kindness to animals is a sure sign of their nature. I wouldn't date someone who was cruel to any living thing.
Am I asking too much? Does this guy exist? Will I find him?
Sunday, April 6, 2008
Sad sad Sunday
What is it about Sundays that make me have an emotional breakdown? Is the ending of the weekend that sad? I'm usually reflective on sunday night and my life looks dreary to me and I break down.
I hate fucking money. With a passion. I feel uncomfortable around people that have more then me, especially family. I don't know why. I shouldn't. I'm not a jealous person. Being around people who are more successful just makes me feel like a loser and a failure. I don't want what they have but I feel like a failure for having less then they do.
Money is always my biggest worry. I try to be completely independent. I don't have a rich husband or father to save me. I'm on my own. Granted my Mom is successful and she helps me when I need her but I feel like a loser asking for it. I don't know why.
I've been stupid with money. I went to a 4 year liberal arts college that cost $30,000 a year in tuition and had to take out lots of loans. I didn't major in anything profitable like Economics or Engineering. Fuck no. That's not me. I have to be interested in the least profitable subjects like Sociology and languages. I'm afraid of failing in my field so I've stayed away from it. It's stupid because I'm not happy with the work that I do and it doesn't pay enough. If I loved my work the money wouldn't be as big of an issue. I'd be happier even if I was poor.
Confidence is a big deal. I don't have a enough. I can fake it in social situations and I am confident about certain things. But I'm not confident in my abilities. Employers can sense that and they take advantage. They know I'll work hard and won't complain. I lose promotions because they see I lack the confidence to really believe that I deserve it.
I'm not always confident about my appearance and what I have to offer to a relationship. I'm so fucking scared of being hurt that I just hide. Guys can sense that too and they take advantage of it. They know they can do hurtful things and get away with it. I have to stop.
I can attract guys easily but I'm can't keep them around and interested for long. Or maybe I push them away because I'm so fucking scared and I think I'm not good enough anyway. I'm drawn to guys who don't want me because at least I know they're going to leave eventually.
Why why why? I wish I didn't need pills to be happy and less anxious. I wish I believed in myself. I wish I didn't cry so easily. I wish I didn't let so many guys hurt me and break down my confidence.
All I can do to try to sleep and push forward.
My sad songs I listen to when I'm down:
That song helped me get over C and the abuse I suffered from him.
Anything by Tori helps me get through it.
I hate fucking money. With a passion. I feel uncomfortable around people that have more then me, especially family. I don't know why. I shouldn't. I'm not a jealous person. Being around people who are more successful just makes me feel like a loser and a failure. I don't want what they have but I feel like a failure for having less then they do.
Money is always my biggest worry. I try to be completely independent. I don't have a rich husband or father to save me. I'm on my own. Granted my Mom is successful and she helps me when I need her but I feel like a loser asking for it. I don't know why.
I've been stupid with money. I went to a 4 year liberal arts college that cost $30,000 a year in tuition and had to take out lots of loans. I didn't major in anything profitable like Economics or Engineering. Fuck no. That's not me. I have to be interested in the least profitable subjects like Sociology and languages. I'm afraid of failing in my field so I've stayed away from it. It's stupid because I'm not happy with the work that I do and it doesn't pay enough. If I loved my work the money wouldn't be as big of an issue. I'd be happier even if I was poor.
Confidence is a big deal. I don't have a enough. I can fake it in social situations and I am confident about certain things. But I'm not confident in my abilities. Employers can sense that and they take advantage. They know I'll work hard and won't complain. I lose promotions because they see I lack the confidence to really believe that I deserve it.
I'm not always confident about my appearance and what I have to offer to a relationship. I'm so fucking scared of being hurt that I just hide. Guys can sense that too and they take advantage of it. They know they can do hurtful things and get away with it. I have to stop.
I can attract guys easily but I'm can't keep them around and interested for long. Or maybe I push them away because I'm so fucking scared and I think I'm not good enough anyway. I'm drawn to guys who don't want me because at least I know they're going to leave eventually.
Why why why? I wish I didn't need pills to be happy and less anxious. I wish I believed in myself. I wish I didn't cry so easily. I wish I didn't let so many guys hurt me and break down my confidence.
All I can do to try to sleep and push forward.
My sad songs I listen to when I'm down:
That song helped me get over C and the abuse I suffered from him.
Anything by Tori helps me get through it.
Thursday, April 3, 2008
Like?
What makes us like one person and not another? How do you stop liking someone when you know your feelings are one-sided? Or you know they are bad for you? I've been asking myself these questions for the past 12 years or so that I've been dating and I still don't have any answers.
Sometimes I think that you tend to like people who remind you of someone else, whether it be your first love, last love, first heartbreak, etc. We search for people with similar mental and physical qualities to important players in our history. We long for the familiar. Do we really just date the same person over and over again?
I have a tendency to project someone else's interest in me into my own. If someone pursues me and makes me feel attractive and wanted then I will begin to feel the same way. It happens whether or not I was even remotely interested at first. Too many people have caught me off guard and chased me until I wanted them back.
Jon from NH is a classic example. I didn't like him or find him attractive at first but he wanted me badly and persisted. Distance or time didn't matter to him. He was simply excited to talk to me and eventually see me. After a few months of his persistence it finally sunk in and I reciprocated his feelings. And I ended up losing anyway.
When they're finished and not interested anymore I'm left feeling really stupid. "It was your fault damnit!" I think. "I didn't even want to be in this place! You made it seem safe!"
Then there was Jon at work (I have to stay AWAY from that name) who had a girlfriend. He also chased and flirted with me. I wasn't even remotely attracted at first but he won me over with flattery and eventually sunk in my head. In the end I ended up looking stupid again.
I need to have more control and not just give into someone's persistence.
Ideally I think that two people should meet in the middle. One shouldn't chase the other. They should be mutually interested. That is how it should begin but I have no idea where it goes from there. I've probably only met one person in the middle in my life. Everything else was a struggle for control in either direction.
You would think that I would know better and learn to protect myself by now. I could lament on this forever but now it's sleepytime.
Sometimes I think that you tend to like people who remind you of someone else, whether it be your first love, last love, first heartbreak, etc. We search for people with similar mental and physical qualities to important players in our history. We long for the familiar. Do we really just date the same person over and over again?
I have a tendency to project someone else's interest in me into my own. If someone pursues me and makes me feel attractive and wanted then I will begin to feel the same way. It happens whether or not I was even remotely interested at first. Too many people have caught me off guard and chased me until I wanted them back.
Jon from NH is a classic example. I didn't like him or find him attractive at first but he wanted me badly and persisted. Distance or time didn't matter to him. He was simply excited to talk to me and eventually see me. After a few months of his persistence it finally sunk in and I reciprocated his feelings. And I ended up losing anyway.
When they're finished and not interested anymore I'm left feeling really stupid. "It was your fault damnit!" I think. "I didn't even want to be in this place! You made it seem safe!"
Then there was Jon at work (I have to stay AWAY from that name) who had a girlfriend. He also chased and flirted with me. I wasn't even remotely attracted at first but he won me over with flattery and eventually sunk in my head. In the end I ended up looking stupid again.
I need to have more control and not just give into someone's persistence.
Ideally I think that two people should meet in the middle. One shouldn't chase the other. They should be mutually interested. That is how it should begin but I have no idea where it goes from there. I've probably only met one person in the middle in my life. Everything else was a struggle for control in either direction.
You would think that I would know better and learn to protect myself by now. I could lament on this forever but now it's sleepytime.
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