Fumbling Towards Clarity

Laid (off)

2011-01-03T19:33:00.000-05:00

Happy 2011. I am 30 now and just a little bit wiser. 2011 has given me the great gift of being laid off from another lackluster job. I felt my soul being sucked out of me every day at that job. Or less dramatically, it just wasn't for me.

I am extremely happy about being laid off. The question is, am I brave enough to use this as an opportunity to live the life I really want? I friggin hope so.

Right I'm just enjoying the quiet of possibility. Each day brings... whatever I want (within reason). Last night I couldn't sleep, so I got up and watched tv until 3am. It felt so good to do something so rebellious. I am a die hard morning person and try to stick to a strict sleep schedule. It felt like I was in college again on winter break, when anything was possible.

And anything IS possible. I feel so incredibly FREE. Yes, I feel scared, lost and alone all at the same time, but right now I'm the most free person that I know. I'm gonna ride this ride hard and see where it takes me.

What do you think I should do next???

What do you think about when you're alone?

2010-05-25T21:49:00.001-04:00

I never blog and I should. It makes me happy. Even reading my old blogs make me happy even though I mostly blog sad things. I noticed that I blog a lot about loneliness. I can't help it. It's always on my mind and I'm usually lonely when I blog.

How much time do you spend alone every day? I think being alone is healthy and necessary but it's possible to have too much solitude. Driving alone sometimes kills me and I do it for at least 2 hours everyday. I think about (you guessed it!) my loneliness and where I'm going in life. If it's a good day I feel positive and picture myself doing exciting things. I picture myself succeeding at whatever I desire that day. I usually picking myself living in New York City (guessed it again!) where there are more people like me and falling in love with some faceless guy. I picture myself finally feeling like I fit in and wearing adorable and not too trendy clothes.

What do you think about when you're alone? Do you worry about what other people are doing? I try not to do that but it's difficult not too. Especially if you had a romantic relationship with that person. I'm always afraid of running into a number of my exes and I know if I stop thinking about them, then I actually WILL run into them. I swear it's a law of nature or something.

Theme song for these many alone moments:

Moby with Kelli Scar live@013: When it's cold I'd like to die (7/10)

2010-05-25T21:49:00.000-04:00

New year?

2010-01-10T23:39:00.001-05:00

This is supposed to be my year without heartbreak. Now here you are.
You you you.... You crept out the woodworks, surprising the shit out of me, and here I am. This is how it always happens. You always only think of me when I'm not thinking of you. You find me when I'm perfectly content to be alone, wearing pjs and slippers watching tv on a Friday night. You find me when I'm so satisfied with my solitude that I can't imagine ever sharing it with anyone. I'm not lonely when I'm not missing someone or waiting for their call. I've accepted that I might have to be my own partner in life, which is better than having a bad one. Then here you are.

I've been through this before with others and it always ends the same. But I can't help but to test the waters a little.

I swore I wouldn't see you unless you really tried then all of a sudden you pick this moment to do just that.
I don't want to get sucked into more disappointment. I really don't. I'm perfectly happy when I'm not getting over somebody's absence. I perfected the art of being contently alone in my apartment and in my life. Shopping, running, thinking alone and not really interacting with anyone throughout the day.

Now suddenly you want to see me. It's gratifying since you harshly blew me off months ago. It feels good that you can't forget me. I withhold myself but I let you desire and crave me. I've already gotten over you so I don't care to give in and give you what you want. I'm making me happy this time. I lap up the attention but I don't know how this will continue. I try to explain a little of my plight but did I talk too much? Am I too intense for you?

But what do you want, really? I'm so sick of being a pet and I've been avoiding men for that reason. I really hope you're not only after my body. I've had enough of that.

It's so hard to tell. You don't talk. What are you thinking? Are you gonna disappoint me again? Am I foolish to even see you? Are you seeking me out because you now have the time for me? Or are you just bored? What you want with me? Do you even know? Because I don't. I just don't want to be let down again, so I'm not getting my hopes up. If you don't want me for more than a body than tell me now before I fall into foolishness. I suppose all I can do is see what happens. I hope you text me first.

Praying Mantis

2009-12-14T21:44:00.000-05:00

I hate to even admit it but I love the MTV show The Jersey Shore. It is the guiltiest of guilty pleasures and I'm completely sucked in. Anyway, a quote from one of the girls struck me as interesting. During her bio J-Wow said "I'm like a praying mantis. After I have sex with a guy I want to rip his head off." This is something that I wish I could achieve. How do you feel detached from someone when I usually feel more attached? I wish I could feel that separation because it would be a lot easier. I know a lot girls who think they can do that but I know better. It is nearly impossible.

I find that most guys only want me sexually and if I could develop this hatred for them afterward it would help immensely. I try to abstain completely and I can do that for so long, but then opportunity comes up. I think why not, I'm attractive, my body is beautiful, as long as we're friends, etc. But I know better. It's still damn hard though.

Guys have a hard time forgetting me but it doesn't mean they have feelings. They just act sweet to get what they want. I'm smart enough to know better but I wish I could play their game. I wish I could take something from them that they would feel bad about.

Email that I sent to my family last week

2009-12-09T20:33:00.000-05:00

I get to help out with my ailing, awful grandparents once a week and here is an email that I sent to my entire family about one particularly harrowing experience:

Hello family,
I had the pleasure of babysitting duty for Captain and Mrs. Annoying and I wanted to tell you all about my wonderful Sunday.

Last night I had my 10 year high school reunion where I was very worried about Grandpop at the open bar. After many vodka tonics I finally relieved most of my worry for the night.
I woke up this morning at my place with my pajamas on backwards and the worst hangover I've had in years.

I spent all morning throwing up and laying on my couch praying for my forehead to stop pounding. At 10:30 am I called Uncle Mike's BFF before she could call me and get mad at me for not answering.

Adria informed me that although she went shopping 2 days ago with Jeanie, she "forgot" a couple of items and needed me to take her to Giant. I think she didn't want to spend over $20 at her last shopping trip so she omitted a few things, assuming I could take her shopping again today. I can barely tolerate shopping with Adria when I'm feeling normal, and knew that this was sure to be my worst nightmare.

My stomach was almost settled at Giant but I did NOT have the patience for Adria's antics today. Her "few" things ended up being about 10 items located all over the store. While she was trying find her hair dye, which was quite time consuming since she can't see anything, I had to walk away to avoid losing my breakfast in the store. She proceeded to approach strangers to ask where things are (most of whom ignored her), crash her cart into the shelves and my legs (because she couldn't see them), and be an all around pain in the ass.

After the shopping nightmare we went to visit Rudy where she continued to annoy the shit out of me. All she did was complain about how the nurses don't do anything but sit and watch TV. She calls them "witches" since they only come out at night. She also annoyed the hell of Rudy by going through his closet and bugging him about where his socks went. She is afraid to be alone with Rudy so she followed me to the bathroom (even though she had just gone) and then complained about how far we had to walk to it.

I have never been more relieved to drop that woman off at home.
Dad, now I truly understand why you drink.

Love, Laura

Bloggy Blog I'm 29

2009-12-07T20:34:00.000-05:00

So I've been encouraged to blog more because my life is "interesting" and why not. I have a voice and I should use it. I will be writing on here more often to get my thoughts out.

Anyway, last week I turned 29,which isn't old in my book. I don't feel old, but there are some changes that I've noticed in myself and I thought I'd share them with you:

Signs Laura is getting older

1. Whenever I notice a hot guy my age, I immediately check his left hand for a wedding ring. Wtf?! I never had to do this when I was 23. I guess it's better safe than sorry. And 1 out of 3 guys is wearing one. Damnit. Even though I'm not growing up, the guys of my generation are.

2. I can't sleep past 8 am or stay up past 12 if I'm alone. My stupid job and years of waking up at 6am have made me one of those annoying morning/old people.

3. I now stay away from guys who aren't into me or are bad for me. In my early 20s I used to chase the shit out of so many assholes who could care less if they saw me. I would call them and pretend it was an accident. I would stare at my phone and wait desperately for them to call back. Now if a guy is an asshole to me just once I am done. I'm sad but I'm so over it. And I hate his guts.

What the hell is the point of waiting for someone who doesn't want me? (and here we have grown up Laura speaking). It's a lonely life but it feels lonelier (is that a word?) to be neglected and used.

4. Driving is now scary to me. I don't like driving fast. I don't like driving on the highway. I'm afraid of driving in the rain. I don't like riding with someone who drives fast and I will beg them to slow down. Younger me was no speed demon but I was never afraid to zip back and forth to New York or the shore in a heartbeat.

5. Fast food makes me sick. Now I really sound like my mother. I could eat McNuggets with no problem as a kid but now it all makes me want to puke. This is a good thing but don't tell my mother she was right.

Signs Laura Isn't Getting Old

1. No gray hair

2. No wrinkles

3. I have gained only 10 lbs since high school and I am more fit and active now.

4. People think I'm a college kid

5. I have no desire to get married or have kids. Grown up Laura does her own thing and doesn't worry about what her friends are doing. Just like young Laura.

Ok I'll stop talking about myself in the 3rd person like a douche. It's good to be back.

Beauty tips to share

2009-08-03T20:26:00.000-04:00

So no more blogging about the highs and lows of my love life since we all know how this story ends. I have no problem meeting guys but can't seem to keep them, blah blah blah. I have shitty luck and only attract liars, but I'm not ready for the real thing anyway.

So instead I'll share some beauty tips that have helped me over the years:

1. At the end of your shower, turn off the hot water and rinse your body in ice cold water for 10 seconds. It's good for your skin, keeps your breasts firm, and defrizzes your hair. It feels great in the summer but it's not so easy in the winter.

2. Don't wash your hair every day. I know it sounds gross, but once you do it for about a week your hair gets used to it, and it doesn't get greasy. It actually looks better the next day. Get a good shower cap and cover your hair when you shower. Smooth a little bit of baby powder on your roots or try one of the many expensive dry shampoos. You will save money when you shampoo less and your hair grows faster and feels healthier.

3. Wear sunscreen on your face every day. Don't forget to cover your neck too. I love Jergen's Natural Glow Moisturizer with SPF 20. It gives you a healthy tint without looking fake.

4. Speaking of glow, I also love Jergen's Natural Glow foaming lotion. It feels nice and cool on your skin and gives you even, natural looking tan.

5. Use men's razors for shaving your legs. In fact use them for all shaving. In college a friend told me to try men's razors and I never went back to the pussy girlie ones that cut the shit out of my legs. I use a Mach 3 and I love it. It gives me a much closer shave and I rarely cut myself. I'm a hairy girl and I only need to shave my legs about once a week.

6. I carry John Frieda's Secret Weapon style in cream in my purse but it's so amazing at taming my frizzies.

7. Don't be the kind of woman who wears makeup every day, especially eye makeup. It makes you look old and it will be a big suprise the first time someone sees you without it, and not a good suprise.

8. Get haircuts at a good salon. Go to the same stylist everytime and they'll get to know your hair and your style. I go to a fancy salon and get highlights and see it as an accessory that I wear everyday, so I get a lot more use from it than expensive shoes or jeans.

9. Nothing makes your skin look better than exercise, especially cardio.

10. Love yourself and masturbate often. Haha.

Liar

2009-05-25T00:51:00.000-04:00

You have disappointed me immensely.
You were nothing but lies and deceit.
I let you into my world and you did nothing but betray me.
You are a disgusting, filthy coward.

No matter who you fuck, she's never going to want you again.
She doesn't love you anymore.
She has moved on.

So suffer in pain like a real man.
Sleep alone, cry, meditate.
Don't seek comfort in another woman's cunt.
You're never going to find it there.

She will never look at you that way again.
No matter who you fuck.
That won't make you feel better.

So get over it.
Stop lying and causing more pain to others.

Even an unwanted, aborted child didn't stop you,
From spreading your poison around Philadelphia and beyond.
From continuing your lies,
Keeping up appearances,
Never sleeping alone,
And most of all, lying to yourself.

Even an amazing woman like me,
Wasn't good enough to stop your cycle.
I gave you everything I had.
And you took all you could
From me
And the next girl.
And the next.
Basically any girl who is stupid enough to fall for your fake sincerely and "passion"
You will take advantage of.
Prey on their loneliness.
Pretend you care what they say.
And then fuck another girl the next day.
You can't say no to any pussy.
Until your dick turns purple and falls off.

I have one question for you.
When you look at yourself in the mirror each morning, do you like the man that you see?
Would you trust him?
That's what I thought.

So fuck you.
I will tell your story to anyone who will listen.
And you will get what you deserve.
You will be alone.
While she marries someone else.
So get the fuck over it.
You pathetic excuse for a man.
You will get what you deserve.

Living alone

2009-03-10T21:01:00.001-04:00

Hi Martha!
Hi Mom! I'm not sure if you want to read all my old posts. I'm post one that's more PG and not oversharing. Hehe.

So I've been living alone for one year. A lot has happened since then. I still feel lonely sometimes but overall I'm happy with my living arrangement. Living alone is tough. You really have to be independent. I fit the bill. I'm happy when I have company and I go out often and keep busy. I like being able to have all the secrets that I want. No one sees me from day to day so no one knows what I really do.

The gods have worked in my favor and given me the gift of a great job. I wasn't even actively looking. I just posted my resume on Monster several months ago and I thought it disappeared into cyberspace. Apparently not. Wells Fargo needed me badly to be their "Mortgage Specialist" and I'd be stupid not to take advantage. I never have luck like this. They were offering me amazing money. Money that will help me pay down my debts and give me the financial freedom to do what I want.

Whatever that is.

The job is high stress and high stakes. It's kind of exciting. I'm doing well so far (at least I hope) although today I was pulling my hair out over a messed up loan trying to close tomorrow. But it wasn't my fault and I don't think anyone blames me. I know this job isn't my dream, but it's my dream for right now. This job could save me.

Sensuality

2009-01-19T20:11:00.000-05:00

I have rediscovered my sensuality and it is amazing. I have found myself a boy toy. Or rather he found me on Christmas Eve Eve. What a lovely present to find during an especially lonely time of the year.
He swept me away with his accent and flirtation. He extremely affectionate. He is intelligent and funny in my goofy way. He open-minded and adventurous.
He touches and kisses as hard as I do, yet not too hard. He always seems genuinely happy to see me. He is beautiful, passionate and exotic. Everything that my last wasn't.
I know that few things last and I won't be too surprised if and when this one fades.
I take him for what he is and not what I wish that he would be. No one can save me from my loneliness but me.

I'm not letting myself get swept away before knowing who he really is this time. I'm keeping my head and yet enjoying every drop of passion and feeling. He heals me the way that I need, and he's finally erased all of the other fingerprints.

This time I won't let anyone cloud my goals or my boundaries. I just enjoy his company.

However, there are red flags. He fails to meet #1 on my mate criteria- must be into only me. There is a potent ex factor. He says that they tried all they could but he is obviously not over it. I wish he was. I'm so tired of men who pine for anyone but me. If you can't be with the one you love, love the one you're with, damnit.

It's hard to say what his priorities are. I have a feeling that I'm not the only fish his pond. For once that doesn't hurt. I must have spent all of my hurt on the last one. No one is getting that close to my heart this time.

I will truly be fine either way. However, it is nice to have someone to kiss and spend time with :0
We shall see what hapens.

Twilight

2008-11-16T22:24:00.000-05:00

I am finally reading the book Twilight and I LOVE it. I knew I would. It's not too deep but it's a great romance to get my heart racing. My post-adolescent loins are awakened. Sooo good. I LOVE vampires. I want myself a passionate dead man. A man that's been alive for 100 years and has no doubt about me. I loves me some True Blood too. I want Will. I would give him my blood.

I had an drunken awakening conversation with an old friend the other night. You know who you are. I know you read this :) He told me that I am the prototype for his ideal girlfriend. I have been since high school. He still adores me after all of these years. And we rarely talk. I am just that girl for someone. Not because I broke his heart and got away, but because I was so fucking cool. He wanted to make out with me even after I threw up in my crush's car. He's been here for me throughout all of my messes over the years. And he appreciates me. He made me promise to never settle for less then my standard. I deserve a guy who wants me as passionately and fully as he did. It was another revelation. I guess I never knew the intensity of his feelings. But I am awesome and adored. By many.

And I will take it. I will drink it all up. I'm not giving my love so freely anymore, but I will receive theirs. I will appreciate it. It will soothe me and heal me. I am adored. And he is not the only one. I am wanted.

I had another dream where I was begging my ex again. I don't get it. I don't think about that when I'm awake. I still feel like he ended things prematurely but I gave up a long time ago. I shouldn't have to beg anyone. He should be begging me. I guess this is a sign that I need to contact him. Speak more about the damage and let myself be heard. There's more to be said before I can completely move on. Goddamn dreams haunting me. I wake up so confused and said. This has to stop.

I can't wait!

What to do

2008-11-07T11:53:00.001-05:00

I currently have a 4 day workweek. Don't be jealous. I work 4 long ass, gut-busting days. Then I have Thursday, Friday and Saturday off. Sunday is my hell day where I work 10 hours with no lunch break. I guess it's all worth it because I have more free time.

But what do I do with this free time? It's very strange waking up at 8 a.m. on Friday with absolutely nothing to do. Today I read some blogs and I just went for a run. I have about 5-6 hours to kill at least before any of my friends are home and we can hang out.

My new schedule can sometimes make me feel incredibly lonely. It's not easy to be by yourself in an empty apartment all day. My thoughts take me over. All of the people that I do things with are at work. I'm trying not to watch tv all day but that's what I inevitably end up doing.

Yesterday I had an epiphany that I actually have known all along. I dreamed about Africa (again). I also dreamed I was kissing my ex-boyfriend which is really annoying. Those kind of dreams need to stop. Anyway when I woke up I realized that it's time for another adventure like Africa. I can't do anything that extreme, but it was another sign that I need to get the hell out of here.

Watching so many of my friends get married has made me re-evaluate my life. I don't want to settle down now. There's a reason that I'm usually drawn to men who are not completely available. I know they won't try to hold me back and make me want to stay here. There's a reason that I'm usually single. I love the fact that I can sail away anytime I want.

I've been too afraid of taking advantage of that freedom for too long. Fuck it.

It is also I sign that when I did think of settling down, and when a local boy that was completely available wanted me, he rejected me soon after I was really getting used to him. It felt like a stingray had pierced through my heart. I gave in and let myself be vulnerable and it backfired. But it was another kick in my ass that I should be free.

I'm not meant to settle down in my hometown just yet. I'm getting off my lazy ass and using my 3 days to explore my options. I've been in love with New York City since I was 13 and all of my roads lead me there. The type of jobs that I want are numerous in New York City and there's few of them here.

I won't rule out any options but I have a feeling that I'll end up there. I also have a dream to going to Georgia and working in my uncle's bar for a few months. It would be my ultimate quarter life crisis that I need to do before I turn 30. I don't know. This is scary shit. But I have a feeling that it will make me happy.

I haven't been happy for a while. I was shortly happy when I was in relationship because I thought I had found what I've been looking for. I thought I was meant to stay here. It was wonderful for a while and then it got ripped away from me. I think fate is trying to tell me something. These local boys aren't for me. Time to get out.

Fooled

2008-10-22T20:17:00.000-04:00

Getting over a break up is kinda like grieving. You have, essentially, lost someone close to you forever. You have to let go. You may see that person again, or you may not, but you will never see them in the context that you really know them. The closeness and the intimacy are gone. You feel awkward being within a few feet of each other when your bodies were once naked, glued together. You don't mention all the things that you shared together. You pretend they never happened.

They have become a stranger again. The person that you cared about is gone forever.

All you have left are memories. Sometimes you learn afterward that the memories weren't even real. The person fooled you into thinking they were someone else. They didn't mean all of the things that they said and did. Or maybe you misinterpreted everything. Maybe it all meant more to you then it ever did to them. And you had no idea. You wait for the memories to fade because they mostly cause pain.

I'm tired of mending my broken heart. I grow stronger and stronger every time but enough is enough. I want to be loved.

Rejection can affect me more then most people. I don't know why, but no matter how many people love me and how many guys are interested, only the guy that doesn't haunts me. It breaks down my self-confidence. I can't let this happen again.

I have the ability to be deliriously happy about nothing when the pain is gone. When I finally feel better, I feel unstoppable. I am independent and free again. I am loved. I am desired. I have the world at my fingertips. I wish I that I didn't have to get so down to feel so up again.

That's just how my life is. I guess I'd rather feel all the pain and happiness instead of feeling nothing. I just have a tendency toward the extremes.
I get better everyday. I can't wait until it's completely gone.

Lonely

2008-09-09T22:25:00.000-04:00

Here I am again. Missing someone and something that never existed. Apparently I didn't pay all of my karmic debts.
Who the fuck was he anyway? Not the sweet, nice guy that I thought. He was just another coward that I meant nothing to. I hate being fucking shocked like this. I could've seen it coming.
Yes, he was acting a little distant but I thought that physical distance was the reason and I thought that we would mend it when we finally had time. I was so wrong again.
Now what? There's something about having your own place that became "our place." A place to get to know each other, eat, sleep together, and have fun. Now it feels so empty and lonely. Every space has him all over it. From my bed, my couch, to my shower. I can't stand it. I wish I could erase the memories. All the times I felt happy and almost complete with someone in my own private space are gone.
I can't let him take this from me. Before we started I felt independent and free. I can't let this break me. No one should have that much power.

Now I must make additions to my original mate criteria:

1 Must be able to communicate. Must be able to tell me how he's feeling and what he's thinking. I can't read fucking minds.

2. Must be passionate. Must feel intense things and be able to express them. Must not be able to walk away easily. Must not forget quickly.

3. Must be funny. My kind of funny.

4. Must be mature. Must make mature decisions and not hurt feelings carelessly. Must be thoughtful and considerate.

5. Must not be a FLAKEY FUCKING ASSHOLE!!!!!!!

That's all for now.

Happiness

2008-06-17T20:31:00.000-04:00

I am very happy. I have everything that I wanted and recently realized that deserve. I think I found exactly what I was talking about in my last blog. I haven't felt this way in a long time.

It's in my nature to keep looking behind me. A few months ago I got rear-ended by a mack trunk while I was changing lanes in bumper to bumper traffic on the Blue Route. It was nothing major. It was more like I was tapped in the corner on my bumper and it chipped the paint and made a tiny dent. It wasn't even worth making an insurance claim and paying a deductible.

Nevertheless, I was very shaken. There's nothing like feeling your car being bumped and looking in your rear view mirror and seeing an enormous truck thisclose to you. Then the hick that hit me got out of his truck and yelled at me and said that it was my fault and called me a dumbass. I was completely freaked out by the experience. I still avoid the Blue Route when I know that there's traffic. I'd rather take the backroads even if it will take a little longer.

Now I find myself constantly looking in my rearview mirror and getting scared when someone behind me is driving too close for my comfort. I never did that before the accident.

I know that while driving (and in life) if you focus on what's behind you will miss what's ahead. You can't control what you've passed but you can, however, control the distance and security of what's ahead.

I also know that I need to stop looking back in life as well or I'll never move forward. I think that I've finally paid my karmic debt but sometimes I'm afraid that there's unknown fees or interest that I've collected and must promptly pay.

I'm still an optimist after many years of disappointments. I try not to wait for the other shoe to drop even though it has every time before. Occasionally, I feel scared. I have more at stake this time. I have so much to lose.

The last time I gave my heart like this was several years ago and it almost broke me. I don't, however, regret it because it was one of the greatest learning experiences of my life.

This one feels different and incredibly right. I just hope that I'm going to win this time.

Advice of the day: Don't let the past fuck with your head.

He's Just Not That Into You

2008-04-11T19:45:00.000-04:00

I've read the damn book about three times but sometimes I think it still hasn't sunk in. I still get hung up on the wrong guys that are "just not that into me." But they're usually wrong for me anyway but I still chase them. Why?

Sometimes I think that we're just programmed by our first real "love" or crush and mine was really fucked up and I think it screwed me up for life. I was 15 and stupid Jay Hutchins was my best friend's older brother and was WAYYYY wrong for me but I lived and died for that kid. He was attracted to me but just not that into me. He would reject me but then come back months later just to make out with me. He never wanted to date me but I accepted whatever he was willing to give just to be close to him. That's not good enough and I still do that shit NOW over 12 years later.
Ughhh.

So I'm making a list of qualities of what I want and DESERVE in a mate and I'm gonna return to this whenever I'm feeling sad that some boy is just not that into me. He won't have these qualities anyway.

1. Must be into ME. Really into ONLY me. Not hung up on some ex-girlfriend. Why is every guy I've met in the past few years hung up on someone else? Why aren't I the girl that they're hung up on??? Move on guys! She's just not that into you!
It really sucks to be someone's 2nd, 3rd, or 20th choice. I deserve so much more than that.
If a guy doesn't have this most important quality then I shouldn't waste my time on him. I just end up losing. Although some fuckbags have lied about being into me but that's another story...

2. Must be smart. I'm a nerd. I love to read and I think too much. I prefer my guy to be the same way. Must be able to have an intelligent conversation and love to read. Must know things that I don't.

3. Must not be clingy. I know I'm being picky but I want them to be independent like I am. Must have his own friends, own social life, own interests just like I do. It's important because I need a lot of space. Must be secure in giving it to me.

4.Must be motivated. I want a guy who works hard and plays hard. I want someone who will motivate me to do more and try harder at life.

5. Must be semi-attractive. Most of the guys I've been into weren't exactly hot but cute and their personality won me over. I can't look at you and think "No" although I did with Jeremy initially. Damn alcohol impairing my judgment. You can be a "Maybe" but not a "Definitely Not. I need lots of booze to hook up with you" (aka Jeremy).

6.Must be liberal. I've thought a lot about this. I'm sure I could love someone who is Middle of the Road (and I have) but I'd LOVE a liberal. There's something about sharing the same ideals that is very sexy and comforting to me.

7. Must have an open mind. They don't have to have the same exact taste as me. I've learned that it doesn't necessarily mean that you're compatible if you like the exact same movies, music, food, etc. But he must be open all new things and be able to appreciate a variety.

8.Must be funny. Must get my sense of humor and be able to make me laugh. This is very important.

9.Must be able to have a good time. I prefer that he drink but I won't reject someone if they don't because you never know. I don't want a fall down drunk either. No thanks. I don't want someone I have to take care of. He should be able to handle his liquor and not binge drink. Must be comfortable at parties, bars, etc. and being around new people.

10.Must love dogs
Kidding! Although kindness to animals is a sure sign of their nature. I wouldn't date someone who was cruel to any living thing.

Am I asking too much? Does this guy exist? Will I find him?

Sad sad Sunday

2008-04-06T22:02:00.000-04:00

What is it about Sundays that make me have an emotional breakdown? Is the ending of the weekend that sad? I'm usually reflective on sunday night and my life looks dreary to me and I break down.

I hate fucking money. With a passion. I feel uncomfortable around people that have more then me, especially family. I don't know why. I shouldn't. I'm not a jealous person. Being around people who are more successful just makes me feel like a loser and a failure. I don't want what they have but I feel like a failure for having less then they do.

Money is always my biggest worry. I try to be completely independent. I don't have a rich husband or father to save me. I'm on my own. Granted my Mom is successful and she helps me when I need her but I feel like a loser asking for it. I don't know why.

I've been stupid with money. I went to a 4 year liberal arts college that cost $30,000 a year in tuition and had to take out lots of loans. I didn't major in anything profitable like Economics or Engineering. Fuck no. That's not me. I have to be interested in the least profitable subjects like Sociology and languages. I'm afraid of failing in my field so I've stayed away from it. It's stupid because I'm not happy with the work that I do and it doesn't pay enough. If I loved my work the money wouldn't be as big of an issue. I'd be happier even if I was poor.

Confidence is a big deal. I don't have a enough. I can fake it in social situations and I am confident about certain things. But I'm not confident in my abilities. Employers can sense that and they take advantage. They know I'll work hard and won't complain. I lose promotions because they see I lack the confidence to really believe that I deserve it.

I'm not always confident about my appearance and what I have to offer to a relationship. I'm so fucking scared of being hurt that I just hide. Guys can sense that too and they take advantage of it. They know they can do hurtful things and get away with it. I have to stop.

I can attract guys easily but I'm can't keep them around and interested for long. Or maybe I push them away because I'm so fucking scared and I think I'm not good enough anyway. I'm drawn to guys who don't want me because at least I know they're going to leave eventually.

Why why why? I wish I didn't need pills to be happy and less anxious. I wish I believed in myself. I wish I didn't cry so easily. I wish I didn't let so many guys hurt me and break down my confidence.

All I can do to try to sleep and push forward.

My sad songs I listen to when I'm down:

That song helped me get over C and the abuse I suffered from him.

Anything by Tori helps me get through it.

Like?

2008-04-03T21:54:00.000-04:00

What makes us like one person and not another? How do you stop liking someone when you know your feelings are one-sided? Or you know they are bad for you? I've been asking myself these questions for the past 12 years or so that I've been dating and I still don't have any answers.

Sometimes I think that you tend to like people who remind you of someone else, whether it be your first love, last love, first heartbreak, etc. We search for people with similar mental and physical qualities to important players in our history. We long for the familiar. Do we really just date the same person over and over again?

I have a tendency to project someone else's interest in me into my own. If someone pursues me and makes me feel attractive and wanted then I will begin to feel the same way. It happens whether or not I was even remotely interested at first. Too many people have caught me off guard and chased me until I wanted them back.

Jon from NH is a classic example. I didn't like him or find him attractive at first but he wanted me badly and persisted. Distance or time didn't matter to him. He was simply excited to talk to me and eventually see me. After a few months of his persistence it finally sunk in and I reciprocated his feelings. And I ended up losing anyway.

When they're finished and not interested anymore I'm left feeling really stupid. "It was your fault damnit!" I think. "I didn't even want to be in this place! You made it seem safe!"

Then there was Jon at work (I have to stay AWAY from that name) who had a girlfriend. He also chased and flirted with me. I wasn't even remotely attracted at first but he won me over with flattery and eventually sunk in my head. In the end I ended up looking stupid again.

I need to have more control and not just give into someone's persistence.

Ideally I think that two people should meet in the middle. One shouldn't chase the other. They should be mutually interested. That is how it should begin but I have no idea where it goes from there. I've probably only met one person in the middle in my life. Everything else was a struggle for control in either direction.

You would think that I would know better and learn to protect myself by now. I could lament on this forever but now it's sleepytime.

Kiss kiss

2008-03-27T20:08:00.000-04:00

Bo wants me to mention that it was his idea that I start blogging. He wants me to make videos and do podcasts too. I don't know. I need a webcam first. I guess my life is interesting and there's lots of stuff to tell. I doubt that anyone who doesn't know me would care but let's be self-centered and nostalgic anyway.
So I was super bored at work this week and I started making a list of all the people that I've kissed. Just kissed. The number is somewhere in the sixties btw. Yes I'm a lipslut. I know I've forgotten some people too. Oh well. I go through phases where I don't kiss anyone for 6 months and then I have a random bar night where I kiss more then 1 guy. I wish it was more consistent but that's not how my life goes.
It's funny how many names I don't remember. Some are just listed as "guy at Brownies" or "annoying guy in Sea Isle. " It got me thinking about the first time I had ever kissed a stranger and how exciting it was.
I was 18 and at a Blink 182 concert in Asbury Park. The average age at the show was probably 14 and I felt a bit out of my element. I was moshing in the crowd and I kept getting pushed into this punk guy. He had blue hair and facial piercings. The was definitely not my type at the time. I was dressed kinda square in a bandana shirt and pigtails.
So I kept getting shoved into him and I apologized and he was really nice about it and just smiled. After around the fifth time that I bumped into him he suddenly grabbed my face and kissed me. Whoah! Not what I expected! I was stunned and elated at the same time. It was the coolest fucking thing ever. I got a suprised makeout with a random stranger!!!!
I laughed and asked him his name and how old he was. I think his name was Mike and he was 17? I forget. He wanted to leave the concert with me and I said no thanks. The kiss was enough excitement for me. Then he kept coming back to me during the show to kiss me. I had split up with my friends in the crowd and my friend Lynn apparent saw 2 people making out and thought "Who are those people??" Oh shit it's Laura!"
The anonymity excited me and it still does. What's wrong with getting a little affection from a stranger? It gives me a feeling of accomplishment and triumph. I think "I can kiss anyone I want because I'm SOOOO sexy!"
I've never had anonymous sex but I assume it creates a similar high. It just had more risks involved. Kissing is so safe. You're not gonna get pregnant or feel used afterwards. It's just pure fun and flirtation.
Something we could all use a little more of in our lives ;)

LudaEaster

2008-03-22T21:38:00.000-04:00

Sooooo I've got a mad tummy ache and I'm staying in. On a Saturday night, yes. I'm still catching up on sleep from last weekend. My body really needs a break.
Monstermania 10 was a blast. It was a fun, drunken blur. I haven't had a night that crazy in a long time. I wish I could relive it because it went too fast. Esp the AM hours hehe enough said.
Crazy fun nights like that just keep me going in life. I can't wait until the next night like that.
And ummmm I kinda like you. Yeah you. Kinda. We'll see. I think you like me too. Sorta. I don't know.

A video that I'm amused by:
Haha how freakin funny is that? I really am a complete Juno geek and this is over the top.

For some reason this song moves me:
When I heard the song on XPN it immediately made me emotional. It's just beautiful. I'm not religious but I am a sap sometimes.

Too fucking funny:
I hope the Easter bunny is good to you all!

Greetings From Clifton Heights

2008-03-09T22:10:00.001-04:00

Right now I am blogging from the couch at my OWN apartment! Yup its just me in a room of my own. I'm adjusting to solo living very nicely. I think I was always meant to live alone. I prefer to do most things alone that a lot of people prefer to share with others i.e: watching tv (I cannot share the remote. No way. I can watch a movie or tv show with someone but idle tv watching is better solo), shopping, working out, eating, sleeping, etc. I prefer to do basically everything but drinking and sex alone. Not that I have sex anyway. And its not that I don't like other people. I feel like a social butterfly most of the time. I'd just rather do most daily tasks solo.
Not to mention I can do whatever the hell I want when I'm alone. I walk around naked when none of my clothes seem to fit right. I go to the bathroom and take a shower with the door open because who the hell is gonna see me???? Plus I have a NYC style bathroom where you bump into the tp dispenser if you move your elbows while you're on the john. Oh well my bedroom is big and comfy and that's all that matters.
So its just me and my DVR where I can watch all the One Tree Hill reruns I want without anyone even seeing my dorkiness. It's quite nice. My landlords are my step brother Matt and his gf Kelly and they're the coolest landlords ever. I can go play with their kiddies and pets and they offer me dinner. It's a great set up. You all must come see it when I finally unpack all of my boxes.

And yesterday we had our Erin Express tour which was interesting and messy. I've decided I'm only doing it next year with 5 people or less in my crew. It's too much work and no fun trying to keep track of everyone and get them on the same bus every time. And being the Mommy type (at least with the drunks) I feel responsible for the lost people who call me nonstop when we're split up. I've been that drunk mess SOOO many times so I don't mind helping other people. We all have to hold each other's hair back once in a while. I just can't deal with the confusion next time. I can't drink and enjoy myself if my babies are lost. I can't stand it when my phone rings nonstop with a band on the other end muffling my friend's drunk and confused "Where are you???"
Next year its 5 or less. Or we all do our own thing and who cares if we get split up. I wanna do the city one next year too.

Anyway, I watched a new amazing show today called Quarterlife. I loved its title when I heard of it weeks ago but that I thought it wouldn't live up to it's name. I finally watched it today on Bravo and it was pretty great. Like my life but edgier. Like Reality Bites. It aired on myspace first and now its on tv. Plus you can still watch online www.quarterlife.com

Well it's past my bedtime so night night.

Llorando

2008-02-17T22:00:00.001-05:00

I don't know why but today I'm back in The Belljar. I'm just fed up with my life and unhappy with where its going. Plus my hormones are raging so thats always fun. I could not stop crying on the phone with my mom today. I don't have one specific thing that I'm upset about. Its just everything all mixed together. My shitty job, my debt, boredom, all the lies that I've been told, etc are all piled up in my mind and today I just couldn't take it anymore.
I hope your day was better. I know what I have to do. Its just hard. Sometimes I'm overwhelmed and want to give up. That's all.
No me quiere llorando.

I need to see Mulholland Drive again. I love me some David Lynch.

Love

2008-02-13T22:42:00.000-05:00

Kanye, I love you:

How heartbreaking and beautiful is that. I've always loved the song "Hey Mama" but it has a whole new meaning now. He is so strong to sing that even though his voice breaks a bit.

I hope that someday someone will love me enough to write a song like that.
Somebody probably already does.
Although I feel lonely sometimes I know that I have a lot of love in my life. I am always grateful for that.

To You

2008-02-09T19:21:00.000-05:00

To C: Wow. I don't know why but I'm shocked to hear about your engagement. It's bringing a lot of ghosts from our past to my mind. Yes, we have a past. We had a sordid affair that lasted for 3 years on and off. Now you are making a lifetime commitment to someone that you dated for less then 2 years. I shouldn't care. And on the surface I don't. But now that you have crept back into my thoughts and I don't like it.
You were my lover for a long time. Our affair was tumultuous, wrong, and unfulfilling most of the time. You tested my threshold for pain both emotionally and physically. You did some of the most disgusting things to me and yet I still had affection for you. I believe, in a way, that I loved you and my love was blind. I couldn't control it, although my rational mind told me to run, run away. This man can't gave me what I need. Yet you kept coming back to me. You were relentless. You had a craving for my passion and the chemistry that we shared. I had never experienced anything like it. I began to crave your abuse. Sometimes I still long for it like an addict. I have a hard time accepting gentle kindness. It's unfamiliar and I don't trust it. It has been taken away from me too many times.
You ignored me many times, for months, so I began to ignore you. During the last night we spent together you didn't lay a finger on me. We both had drank too much and then you woke up and left me. I decided that wasn't enough. I needed a man who couldn't keep his hands or his attention off of me, no matter what. Who didn't take me for granted and assume that I'd be back. I was disgusted with you. At that moment I had finally had enough.
You begged me many times to return and I dismissed you. Then you began to drop the "L" word. Telling me you loved me and could finally appreciate me. That you wanted to marry me. I still don't know if you were serious or if it was just another sick lie for my body. The sickest and cruelest game you can play is to lie to a woman about loving her. I'll guess never really know why you said it. I was finally done.
I've never felt better than after I told you to piss off, for good. This time I was sure. I had waited too long for you to come around. It was too little late. I told you I didn't want you anymore and to leave me alone. I was finally free.
Then you found someone else about a month later. I was still single and searching. I didn't care. It was bittersweet. It still is. I'll never know if you were really ready to love me. I'll have to assume that you weren't. If you really were you would have never let me go. I tell myself that when I'm feeling lost and lonely.
Now I'm haunted by you and memories of passion we that shared. It's all back in my thoughts. I wish it would go away. I've never regretted telling you to leave me alone. It was exactly what I needed at the time. I've finally healed from the all pain you caused me. Or have I?
A small part of me will always love you and wonder if you're happy. Wonder if things would have been different in another lifetime with different timing. Wonder if I'll ever see you again. All I can do is try to love myself and move on. I thought I had. Apparently we never do. At least not completely.

I loved

2008-01-31T20:56:00.000-05:00

Daniel Day-Lewis' acceptance speech at the SAG awards. He is so articulate and talented. Everyone must go see There Will Be Blood. It's an amazing movie.
He is broken over the death of Heath Ledger just like everyone else. OMG. So sad. I tear up whenever I hear "Wings" the theme song of Brokeback Mountain. So many of Heath's scenes from that movie really moved me including the one Daniel mentions in his speech. I've never seen anyone portray loneliness and desperation in a more realistic way then Heath did in Brokeback Mountain. I'm sure he experienced it in his life too. Oh the heartbreak. That movie is my equivalent of "The Notebook".

On a happier note I now have a profile up on match.com and I'm getting lots of hits. What can I say I'm so hot lol. Anyway yeah I am finding lots of interesting guys that I have stuff in common with. It's so hard trying to find that on your own. Match.com does a great job and matching up your compatibility and interests with people. Of course there are some weirdos on there too. I have a catchy headline "Meet Me Montauk" to see who's cool and knows where its from. Pretentious much? Yeah I know so kill me. Here's some responses I got:

"Hey I know where your headline is from! What do I win?"
"Is your headline the name of a band?"
"I drive a lot and I will drive you and I to Montauk."

Ok WEIRDOS. They crack me up though. I also don't get why anyone older then late 30s writes to me. HELLO! No thanks Dad. Some girls like COBs aka crusty old balls dudes but I def don't. It's fun though. I'm macking to so many guys I can't keep their names straight and I don't care what happens. I just wanna meet lots of people and figure out what I really want in a mate since I still have no clue.
Ok shower time bye for now.

Honest to blog

2008-01-20T20:46:00.000-05:00

So we're getting closer to wedding season. Yayyy woohooo. Don't get me wrong I'm very excited and I feel very fortunate that I'm invited to 6 weddings this year. It's gonna be a rockin good time and I'm gonna drink lots of champagne and dance lots of macarenas. But going to this many weddings just make sme feel like the last single girl on earth sometimes. It's difficult when everyone else is settling down and I feel like I'm just getting started. I don't know if I'll ever settle down. I'm gonna need a lot more life experience before I feel ready to do that. I wish I had at least one completely single girlfriend to go out and cruise guys with. Now is this my fate? Am I going to be the token single girl forever? All this wedding stuff is making me feel like an old maid and I'm only 27. 27 is very young. We're in the age of Sex and the City where we can be single and fabulous in your 30s and 40s. But everyone's different. We all want different things in life. I never wanted to be married before I was at least 30. That stuff just isn't a priority to me. It makes me feel suffocated. But I've got nothing holding me back and I'm free to do whatever I want.
This makes me want to go out and do something crazy and completely independent again like going to Africa for 4 months. That was the most amazing experience of my life and I could have never done it if I was tied down to someone. I'm the kind of person who needs to run free with no attachments. But I know you can't let other people's choices effect your own. I just need to do my own thing and get what I want out of life. I'm going to be taking 3 classes at DCCC and fixing my education. Then this spring I'm going to be applying to graduate schools for the fall. Its exciting and intimidating at the same time. I need to stop doubting myself and I believe that I CAN do whatever I put my mind to. I'm gonna have to work my ass off and I'll be too busy to feel sorry for my lonely, single self.
Then who knows. I still dream of moving to New York where everyone is single and neurotic like me. I have friends there and I could start over. I feel like I belong there. I have a feeling someday I will live there I just don't know how soon it will be. I just need to focus on my present goals for now: work my ass off at school, find better job, save $, etc. and that will be a long term accomplishment.

Some of my favorite things right now:
I love these girls. I wish I could be Diablo Cody.

Funny as hell:

Who Wants Eggs?

2008-01-07T18:26:00.000-05:00

So I've been pretty careless with money this past year. Not to mention I work a crappy job that pays badly. I'm choking trying to pay the minimum payments on all my credit cards. And its my own dumbass fault. It's my responsibility to fix my situation.
And the good jobs that I want at non-profits are scarce. I've sent my info to a few and got no responses. Granted I need to pursue them more aggressively and something might open up. Also everyday my butt is stranded at work with no internet. Nothing. If I could surf the web at work I would've been out of there at least year ago. Grrrrr. Now I have wireless on my laptop but lately places are charging for it. CHARGING! Ughh its soooo annoying. I went to McDonalds last week and paid $2 for a day pass, which isn't bad, but the internet was slow as fuck. Plus someone hacked into my myspace account a few days later and sent out all that porn crap. Coincidence? I think not.
Then the Starbucks in King of Prussia wants you to sign up and pay for a $10 day pass. Um hell no! Considering I would use it for about 40 minutes max. So anyway I have to be super aggressive when I'm actually AT HOME which I am rarely am. I'm usually distracted by something when I'm actually online at home. Damn you myspace. I'm really trying to not waste so much time on there this year.
Which leads me to an endeavor that I'm seriously considering, just to dig myself out of my hole a little while I'm trying to find a better paying job.
And that's becoming an egg donor. Apparently people will pay $5,000 for you eggs. Granted its a difficult and risky procedure. First I have to go through intensive physical and psychological screening. I have to answer a detailed questionnaire about my whole genetic history, including any genetic or terminal illnesses that my extended family has had. Then if a couple chooses me as their donor I would need to take different medications and give myself shots of growth hormones for 3 weeks before retrieval. Retrieving eggs is a surgical procedure that involves anesthesia and my eggs would be removed vaginally while I'm under.
I'm ok with the exams. I go to the gyno regularly so being probed isn't a big deal. Even the shots don't scare since I'm a masochist anyway. I went under for my wisdom teeth and it wasn't bad. I figure anything that pays that much for a 20 minute procedure is going to involve my vagina somehow. At least this isn't degrading and won't end up on the internet. I won't even feel it.
It's not like I need my eggs right now. Or I'm in a relationship with someone who might object to sharing my eggs. I believe strongly in organ donation and if I can share my healthy parts with someone when I'm actually alive, then why not? I like the idea of helping an infertile couple reach their dream of having a child.
I loved the movie Juno which deals with adoption. Like OBSESSIVE loved it.
Then there are risks afterward including ovarian cysts and some studies link growth hormones to ovarian cancer. So I don't know. I have the extensive application next to me right now but I still haven't filled it out. I'm feeling chicken. Who knows if a couple will actually pick me. I can also back out at anytime of course but I don't wanna be a flake to an infertile couple.
Why do I get myself into these situations? I don't know what to do. I am tempted though.
Hmmmmmmmm

Here I am

2008-01-04T17:54:00.001-05:00

Hey all
I've wanted to have one of these for a while now. It seems like yet another self-centered facet of our generation where I can brood about me me me me and pretend that people are interested...
But whatever it sounds like fun.
I have myspace but I feel like I can be more naked and candid on here. I don't mind random people reading this but there are mad stalkers on myspace so I have to keep it private.
On here I can be anonymous. Now here I am, naked and anonymous. I like this place.

I heard that Diablo Cody, the screenwriter of Juno (my new favorite movie!), got offered to write Juno by someone who read her kick-ass blog The Pussy Ranch: http://diablocody.blogspot.com/
Check it out. I don't aspire to be discovered by that kind of miracle but you never know what could happen when you put your words into cyberspace.
Here's hoping that something cool comes from this!
I look forward to brooding for you all real soon.