Sunday, November 16, 2008

Twilight

I am finally reading the book Twilight and I LOVE it. I knew I would. It's not too deep but it's a great romance to get my heart racing. My post-adolescent loins are awakened. Sooo good. I LOVE vampires. I want myself a passionate dead man. A man that's been alive for 100 years and has no doubt about me. I loves me some True Blood too. I want Will. I would give him my blood.

I had an drunken awakening conversation with an old friend the other night. You know who you are. I know you read this :) He told me that I am the prototype for his ideal girlfriend. I have been since high school. He still adores me after all of these years. And we rarely talk. I am just that girl for someone. Not because I broke his heart and got away, but because I was so fucking cool. He wanted to make out with me even after I threw up in my crush's car. He's been here for me throughout all of my messes over the years. And he appreciates me. He made me promise to never settle for less then my standard. I deserve a guy who wants me as passionately and fully as he did. It was another revelation. I guess I never knew the intensity of his feelings. But I am awesome and adored. By many.

And I will take it. I will drink it all up. I'm not giving my love so freely anymore, but I will receive theirs. I will appreciate it. It will soothe me and heal me. I am adored. And he is not the only one. I am wanted.

I had another dream where I was begging my ex again. I don't get it. I don't think about that when I'm awake. I still feel like he ended things prematurely but I gave up a long time ago. I shouldn't have to beg anyone. He should be begging me. I guess this is a sign that I need to contact him. Speak more about the damage and let myself be heard. There's more to be said before I can completely move on. Goddamn dreams haunting me. I wake up so confused and said. This has to stop.

I can't wait!

Friday, November 7, 2008

What to do

I currently have a 4 day workweek. Don't be jealous. I work 4 long ass, gut-busting days. Then I have Thursday, Friday and Saturday off. Sunday is my hell day where I work 10 hours with no lunch break. I guess it's all worth it because I have more free time.

But what do I do with this free time? It's very strange waking up at 8 a.m. on Friday with absolutely nothing to do. Today I read some blogs and I just went for a run. I have about 5-6 hours to kill at least before any of my friends are home and we can hang out.

My new schedule can sometimes make me feel incredibly lonely. It's not easy to be by yourself in an empty apartment all day. My thoughts take me over. All of the people that I do things with are at work. I'm trying not to watch tv all day but that's what I inevitably end up doing.

Yesterday I had an epiphany that I actually have known all along. I dreamed about Africa (again). I also dreamed I was kissing my ex-boyfriend which is really annoying. Those kind of dreams need to stop. Anyway when I woke up I realized that it's time for another adventure like Africa. I can't do anything that extreme, but it was another sign that I need to get the hell out of here.

Watching so many of my friends get married has made me re-evaluate my life. I don't want to settle down now. There's a reason that I'm usually drawn to men who are not completely available. I know they won't try to hold me back and make me want to stay here. There's a reason that I'm usually single. I love the fact that I can sail away anytime I want.

I've been too afraid of taking advantage of that freedom for too long. Fuck it.

It is also I sign that when I did think of settling down, and when a local boy that was completely available wanted me, he rejected me soon after I was really getting used to him. It felt like a stingray had pierced through my heart. I gave in and let myself be vulnerable and it backfired. But it was another kick in my ass that I should be free.

I'm not meant to settle down in my hometown just yet. I'm getting off my lazy ass and using my 3 days to explore my options. I've been in love with New York City since I was 13 and all of my roads lead me there. The type of jobs that I want are numerous in New York City and there's few of them here.

I won't rule out any options but I have a feeling that I'll end up there. I also have a dream to going to Georgia and working in my uncle's bar for a few months. It would be my ultimate quarter life crisis that I need to do before I turn 30. I don't know. This is scary shit. But I have a feeling that it will make me happy.

I haven't been happy for a while. I was shortly happy when I was in relationship because I thought I had found what I've been looking for. I thought I was meant to stay here. It was wonderful for a while and then it got ripped away from me. I think fate is trying to tell me something. These local boys aren't for me. Time to get out.