Tuesday, June 17, 2008

Happiness

I am very happy. I have everything that I wanted and recently realized that deserve. I think I found exactly what I was talking about in my last blog. I haven't felt this way in a long time.

It's in my nature to keep looking behind me. A few months ago I got rear-ended by a mack trunk while I was changing lanes in bumper to bumper traffic on the Blue Route. It was nothing major. It was more like I was tapped in the corner on my bumper and it chipped the paint and made a tiny dent. It wasn't even worth making an insurance claim and paying a deductible.

Nevertheless, I was very shaken. There's nothing like feeling your car being bumped and looking in your rear view mirror and seeing an enormous truck thisclose to you. Then the hick that hit me got out of his truck and yelled at me and said that it was my fault and called me a dumbass. I was completely freaked out by the experience. I still avoid the Blue Route when I know that there's traffic. I'd rather take the backroads even if it will take a little longer.

Now I find myself constantly looking in my rearview mirror and getting scared when someone behind me is driving too close for my comfort. I never did that before the accident.

I know that while driving (and in life) if you focus on what's behind you will miss what's ahead. You can't control what you've passed but you can, however, control the distance and security of what's ahead.

I also know that I need to stop looking back in life as well or I'll never move forward. I think that I've finally paid my karmic debt but sometimes I'm afraid that there's unknown fees or interest that I've collected and must promptly pay.

I'm still an optimist after many years of disappointments. I try not to wait for the other shoe to drop even though it has every time before. Occasionally, I feel scared. I have more at stake this time. I have so much to lose.

The last time I gave my heart like this was several years ago and it almost broke me. I don't, however, regret it because it was one of the greatest learning experiences of my life.

This one feels different and incredibly right. I just hope that I'm going to win this time.

Advice of the day: Don't let the past fuck with your head.